As The Leader Grows with Ken Joslin

Coaching with Ken | Overcoming Trauma & Betrayal Through Faith, Forgiveness, and Healing

October 30, 2023 Ken Joslin
As The Leader Grows with Ken Joslin
Coaching with Ken | Overcoming Trauma & Betrayal Through Faith, Forgiveness, and Healing
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers
Ever find yourself wrestling with pain and grief that seem overwhelming? And wondering if it's even possible to rise out of the ashes, stronger and wiser? This episode is a raw and unfiltered narrative, where I share my hardest battles - from the heart-wrenching loss of my twin boys to the turbulent waves of betrayal. 

Leaning into the profound wisdom of my mentor, Craig Groeschel, I reveal how our ability to endure pain shapes our influence and impact. I delve into the significance of acknowledging and processing your pain, and the liberating power of forgiveness. Hear about the essential role faith played during my darkest hours and how, with the help of family, friends, and healthy habits, one can find the strength to heal. 

This episode isn't just about my journey, though. It's also about how we can transform our past pain into stepping stones towards helping others find healing. Listen in as I share my personal affirmations and how they served as a bridge from suffering to healing. Join us as we uncover the power of forgiveness, the strength that comes with faith, and the resilience to rise from our struggles and losses. Don't miss this opportunity to discover how your trials can strengthen your faith and help you bring about healing in others.

If you enjoyed this episode, please share it on social media and tag Ken Joslin.

Speaker 1:

Good morning, fam. Welcome to another episode of as the Leader Grows. I am your host, ken Jocelyn, and this episode of Coaching with Ken is going to be unlike any other my first Create conference in 2022. I had my good friend, john Maxwell, open up the conference and then I spoke behind John into my first couple minutes of introduction to the content, and the talk that I was going to give to the crowd was today. I just want to pull back the curtain and give you a look behind the curtain and inside what this looks like, because the reality of it is, guys, even at Create conference, it looks sexy. We've got the band, the lights, the LEDs, the hundreds of people John Maxwell, ed Millett, brendan Brashard, you've got all. Gary Brekka, you've got all the. You've got all the people Vic Keller, irwin McManus, you've got everybody there. I've got some amazing, amazing friends. But, just like at Create in January of 2022, I really want to pull the curtain back and share with you what's been going on personally in my life over the past three months. It has been the most difficult three months, probably, of my life. I remember about 15 years ago, probably 12 years ago myself, I just planted my church. I was about a year to a year and a half into planting, my church, and myself and about a dozen other pastors got invited to have dinner with Craig Grishel largest church in America pastors life church. He's a phenomenal leader, an unbelievable mentor, man of God, and I'll never forget sitting at dinner that day and you know, I'm fortunate to spend time with some of the most amazing people in the world and I sat there. I'll never forget. I can tell you exactly where I sat. We were at Celebration Church in Jacksonville, florida. I take exactly where I was sitting and Craig was just sharing. We're having dinner and there's, you know, a dozen of us there and Craig said guys, he goes, everyone wants influence, everyone wants impact, everyone wants to leave a legacy. He said make no mistake. He said your level of influence and your level of impact will always be equivalent to your ability to tolerate pain. I'll never forget, as a young senior pastor, I was taking notes, right, and I'm like, okay, yeah, that's great, that's awesome, Craig, that sounds real good and I'm writing it down. And now I look back, 12 to 13 years later, and he could not have been more right and I have five affirmations those of you guys that listen to this podcast, that follow me on Instagram, that are part of our GSD community or a mastermind, or you come to our Create Conference in Atlanta or Dallas. You hear me talk a lot about my five affirmations, and one of my affirmations is I am whole. I choose to use past pain to help others find healing, and one of the most, one of the most painful moments in my life over the past 25 years was between my 27 year old and my 24 year old. I was fortunate enough to have one of the most amazing youth ministries in the country. We literally grew it from a handful of kids to several hundred. We had one of the top youth ministries in the country. I was in the middle of a really a move of God. What God did was absolutely unbelievable. In a church of, you know, several hundred six, seven hundred we would have nights where we would have 400, 500 students come on Wednesday night. We were seeing just life transformation. It was an unbelievable season in our life and it was right after my oldest, holly, was 27,. It was in between her and my 24 year old Sarah Beth. We were six and a half months pregnant with twins, and they were twin boys, and for those of you guys that know me and know me well, you know I've got four daughters 27, 24, 20 and 15 and they are, they are my world and my life. And I remember it was a Thursday afternoon and it was just a normal checkup. The girl's mom worked at it, worked in labor and delivery. She was a scrub tech in labor and delivery. So she was, you know, there a lot scrubbing on C sections, doing baby care, scrubbing on tubules, doing all the stuff that they do in labor and delivery. And we had a normal. We had a normal, just appointment to go see Dr Cox and Dr Little or OB doctors. And so we go in on a Thursday and I skipped SAF meeting just to go with Christy, just to be there. I mean, there was no issues, there was no problems, there was no anything and we got there. I'll never forget when Regina hooked up the, the sonogram, she looked at Christy and I and she said, guys, there's a problem. I'll never forget looking at my wife's face because she knew she went and got dr Cox and he came in and he says, guys, there's a problem, we don't have a heartbeat on either one of your boys Three days later, kind of the natural process happens and you know, she still births Joshua and Caleb. Still to this day, the most painful, difficult time of my life and, as I kind of unpacked the last three months personally. For me One of the things that gives me strength is what happened in that season of my life. It's about six months later than that. I was still youth pastor and I was getting ready for my first national youth leadership conference and I was in prayer one day and I've never really had visions or dreams From God, but I had one that day. I was just praying and I was just worshiping and I was getting ready for, you know, we had 385 Youth pastors, senior pastors and leaders come from 18 different states to come in and myself and Ron and Richard and a good friend, danny chambers, who's passed away a couple years ago we came in and we just, we just poured life into these student pastors from around the country, of these senior leaders, and God gave me a vision. He just pulled back heaven and I literally saw Jesus Sitting on his throne and each of my boys we're on his knees, one on each side. They were about five or six years old, brown hair, brown eyes, just like me as a kid and at that moment God gave me such a piece that everything was going to be okay and that because of his promise I Would get to see them again. These past three months I'm just gonna like hit the. I'm not even calling, I guess they're not mountain top experiences, but I'm just gonna hit Three things and then I want to share with you, like how I have survived and made it over the past three months. Number one when a couple of these events happened, I always go back to Sitting at that dinner with Craig Grishel when he said the level of your influence and impact will always be equal to your ability to tolerate pain. You know we've over three years we've grown GSD to a seven-figure company Not perfect, but we've done some amazing things and we've seen so much transformation in people's lives. Every week I get to hop on community calls and I see transformation in people's lives, in their core five their faith, health, relationship, business and finances. But over the past three months I've had three of the most difficult things that I've had to deal with, outside of losing my twins Probably the most difficult things that I've ever had to experience. One was we did create this year in Dallas and being a visionary. Sometimes you take steps and you get the proverbial a little out over your skis. We did create this year. It was a phenomenal event. You know front-facing I'm Brenda Bouchard, erwin Vic Keller, gary Bracka Some really amazing friends of mine came in town and At that event that weekend was very, very difficult. At that event, our sales and the revenue that we generated out that event went from an average of about $275,000 to less than $1,000, and when I share with people that are close with me what happened there, they are as Taken back as I was. Literally, I probably we probably lost anywhere from 150 to $175,000. I woke up at 412 in the morning on Saturday morning, wide awake. My heart was racing out of my chest, I was nauseous, I was sweating and I sent a text to my guys and Gary Brecker responded immediately and he said Ken, you're having a panic attack, here's what you need to do. And I did it. I did what Gary told me to do and I finally went back to sleep about 45 minutes later and I slept for a little bit and then I got the first Of two text messages from separate people who had sent me links and information that someone that was very, very dear to me Was not at all who they said they were and they were basically a fraud. And it was just piling one traumatic moment on top of another. And to add to that, you know, in the midst of all this, I had Reconnected with someone that I cared for and loved very much. I had shipped my car 2,600 miles away. I had made a decision, we had made a decision to move to Northern California, 2,600 miles away, and Several weeks into being there, I had gotten Airbnb for two and a half months and several months and to be in there. I knew this wasn't going to work and eventually I Stopped by to Talk to her on a Monday morning and found her in bed with her ex-boyfriend. It was crushing. And you're like Ken, why are you sharing all this? Because I want you to know that there's a way out, there's a way through the pain, and to help you understand that Again. The first thing I thought of that day was the level of the influence. The level of my influence, the level of my impact, the level of the transformation that God is going to use me to help that transformation take place in people's lives. That level of influence is going to be equal to the level of pain that I can tolerate. And if the betrayal wasn't enough, I later found out that literally the second day that I had moved there, she was with that man. And so the betrayal, the pain, the heartache of all of those events were just mounting on me. If you can, even if you can even imagine what those moments were like, and I'm like I've got to share, like not just the experiences I've had, but how in the world do you make it back from those three events which happened literally 60 days apart Facing financial ruin, betrayal from your one of your closest friends on the planet, and then betrayal from the woman that you love more than any woman in your life? And there's several things I want to share with you. Number one is and then I've learned this through therapy, and you know I talk about this a lot, right, you know, therapy isn't something that we do when we're broken or we're hurt or wounded. Therapy is something that we do as preventive maintenance, if you will. It's how we stay healthy. And the first thing I did, even right after that, happened several weeks ago in Northern California, as I got in the car and I packed all my belongings up and I drove to Vegas, was I just sat with it. I just felt it, because the reality of it is, guys, is when life comes along and deals you a blow, the only thing that you really can do upfront is feel it, and I just want to give you permission today to know that it's okay to feel it. Man, if you know me and I know hundreds of you that listen to this podcast know me well the last thing in the world that I want to do is feel it. I want to move forward. Okay, got it. This happened, this happened. This happened. Whoo, this sucks. I don't want to feel it, I want to move forward. I remember getting on the call with my therapist two or three days after the. You know the incident where I found her with another man and I was on the treadmill working out and I just lost it. I'm literally on the treadmill and I am sobbing and I'm like God, what is wrong with me? And guys like Ken, nothing's wrong with you. You've had three unbelievable traumatic experiences in the last 60 days. You just need to process through these emotions and feel the pain and grieve. So if there's anything you get out of this podcast today, I just want to let you know it's okay to feel it, even though it sucks. It is absolutely horrible. And one of the things that I've learned about betrayal isn't just the moment that you find out or the moment that you catch someone in an act of betrayal, but it's those corresponding moments, you know that week or the next week, or the things you find out when you start to realize, wow, and this has been going on the entire time which just deepens the pain, just expands the grief. And I just want to give you encouragement and give you permission this morning to feel it and listen. If you've went through or going through anything like what I'm talking about today on this podcast, I want to encourage you. I want to encourage you to feel it. I want to encourage you If you don't have a therapist, find a therapist. I shared this in a podcast a couple of weeks ago because I wasn't ready to really, I didn't even really know how to share this. Right, how do you get on a podcast and say, hey, these three ginormous, life changing, traumatic events have all happened to be in the last 60 days. How do you share that? But one of the things I shared was my pastor always says listen, you're either in a crisis, you're coming out of a crisis or you're about to head into a crisis. And as entrepreneurs, there's a reason. You know, 90 plus percent of businesses don't make it five years because it's hard, it's not easy and when you deal with the things that you have to deal with when it comes to interpersonal relationships and romantic relationships and financial relationships can make it even harder. So, number one, you have to feel it. I'm going to pull a Southern Baptist preacher right here and I'm going to give you 4 F this morning. Number one you got to feel it. Number two, for me, it's my faith. It's my faith and the great thing about my faith is, when I gave my life to Christ in August of 1993, at 25 years old, I had such a transformation experience with Jesus. I had such a moment with God where I felt and received his forgiveness at such a high level that it transformed me in who I was immediately on the spot, not working on things. It was gone. God took them out of my life. The forgiveness component has always been easier for me and the first thing that I did was understanding that being a pastor for several years and watching people harbor and hold unforgiveness was God I got. I have to forgive God, I have to forgive. I have to forgive these two individuals and it's a process because even though you say, god, I forgive God, I left them off the hook. God I pray, not only God I do. I forgive them. God, I pray you forgive them, god, I pray you reveal in their heart what they've done. I pray, god, that you, just you bring them to a moment in their life where they understand that you have forgiveness for them. My good friend, jesse Bradley, said to me yesterday we were all fair. He pastors a church in Seattle and I'm sharing with them a little bit about what had been happening. And he said again can never understand. Forgiveness is a choice, healing is a process. Forgiveness is a choice, healing is a process. And even in that entire situation and I'm going to share something with you, that man I haven't shared this with maybe a handful of people that even in that moment, the day after that betrayal happened, I was in, was in Vegas and I was sitting in my hotel room and I was crying, I was worshiping and God said, ken, the same way you felt On that front porch yesterday Is the same way that your wife and her husband felt when they found out you were together before your divorce was final. And God's forgiveness is not something we just give to people when we're hurt, but it's also something that we have to practice when we hurt other people. And I immediately sent about a six to seven minute tear filled voice text To my girl's mom and I just said hey, here's what happened. And, man, I can't imagine that you didn't feel the same or even worse, even though I'd moved out of the house, even though we were separated. I can't, that's not, I'm not making excuses, but I can't imagine you didn't feel the same or even worse, and I'm really, really sorry that I made you feel that way. And then I had to follow it up with a phone call the next week To her ex husband and just say hey, listen, this is what happened last week. And, dude, nick, I buy him extremely sorry that I put you in the same position and I can't imagine how you felt. So if you're a person of faith and you go through traumatic events, the forgiveness component is huge. Next thing is your family. Man, you lean into your family and I'm going to talk about friends as well, but lean into family. One of the biggest saving graces for me was, immediately after that happened, driving to Vegas and then from Vegas down to LA. I was there for three days. I drove down to LA on Thursday and spent the spent the evening with my mastermind group at Irwin McManus's house and then the next two days at Irwin's conference and my good friend, tracy dues, who was the first person I called when it happened that day, drove up to support and spent a couple days with me and I flew my daughter in on that Saturday and we started a cross country road trip. So you need time. You go through some traumatic experiences, lean into your faith, lean into your family. You know I'm as 15 years old. She got to drive probably six or eight hours of, I don't know. It was 2600 miles. We went from Los Angeles. A lot of you guys followed our, follow our journey. We went from Los Angeles to Scottsdale, from Scottsdale to the Grand Canyon, grand Canyon to Albuquerque, albuquerque to Dallas, dallas to Grambling University, got to speak to the football team and spend some time with Coach Hugh and the players at Grand Canyon, and then on the Birmingham, six days in the car, lots of friends along the way. But listen, you've got to have family, you've got to have people that you can really lean into. When you hit those moments where you're like man, I don't know if I can recover, and you know there was. There were moments in the trip and I remember one of the moments. It was after I actually made the call to To her ex husband that day and God was just doing some stuff. We had a, we had a really, really healthy 10 minute conversation and I got done and I got in the car and we're driving down the road and and then the cake looks at me and she goes dad, your joy is back, like I see you. She goes you're different this morning and so you need to lean into family, you need to lean into friends, like I leaned into friends immediately, like even even there that morning I Picked the phone up and I called my good friend, tracy and I said here's what's going on, here's where I'm at, here's what's happening, you know, and when you face something that traumatic, sometimes it's hard to, when you get in fight or flight, it's hard to really realize what's real, it's hard to figure out what to do and I was fortunate enough to be able to have Tracy Kind of walk me through. Hey, ken, it's okay, here's what you need to do, here's what needs to, here's what needs to happen. And she walked me through. I spent a couple hours with her on the phone right after that, right after that event. And guys listen, your friends are Super important when you go through those moments where you don't know, know what to do. It was funny because earlier that day my good friend, brent, had reached out to me and said hey, come to Vegas. His wife had to go home and spend some time with the kids. I got a ticket just come, hang out. Not to do that, can't do it. And then all of the stuff happened and I Stumbled upon that betrayal and I'm like, dude, I'm coming now and I'll never forget that Tuesday or that Monday night I drove to Vegas eight hours. We had a huge, probably 250, 300 agents and Brent's Suite at Mandalay Bay has the presidential suite. It's like two floors, 9,000 square feet. It's huge. And I said, dude, I need, I need some one-on-one time with you. I know you're exhausted, but I need someone on one time with you. And After everybody left, it was just Brent and I sitting in the in the suite and I said dude, here's what happened to me today, and I just watched my friend as he as he cried for me and cried with me, lady's hands on me, and prayed for me and then encouraged me. He's been there Me, kathy, have been there for me pretty much every step along the way for the last several weeks. So, guys, when you have traumatic experiences and you have things that happen, and I'm telling you it may not be, as it may not be this bad, but you're gonna have things that happen to you or you don't know what to do, and when you do, number one man, if you're a person of faith, lean into that faith, lean into forgiveness. Go ahead immediately and let the person off the hook that has hurt you. And In that, and even in letting that person off the hook that's hurt you. That's a constant decision you have to make every single day, like it's not a one-time, oh, I forgive this person. No, that doesn't work that way, because the next day, when something happens and you see their name or they start going through your Instagram stories, and you see their name on Instagram stories and you're like are you freaking, kidding me? Boom, what happens? You have to walk through that forgiveness process all over again. God, I thank you that you forgiven me. God, I thank you that your word says he who has been forgiven of much Forgives much. God, I choose to forgive, god. I choose the way you chose to forgive me because you love me, god, I choose to view this individual through the same lens that you view me and I choose to forgive. You may not feel like it. You may, you may be pissed off at yourself because you're saying the things that you know On the inside of your heart. You may not even mean, but you have to forgive You're family, your friends for support. And then I'm gonna say this, the last thing, and it's not an F, it's, it's actually an H, and it's actually, it's actually your habits, it's actually your habits. You know, I'm the habit guy. I'm the. The morning routine, the daily routine, the goals, gratitude affirmations, top three. My alarm clock goes off at four. I'm up, I grab my phone, I do my, my Instagram worship picture, I go on, I go on you version, I do my app. Today I'm in the book of Matthew. As soon as I got through with listening to that 12 or 13 minute devotional, I finished the scripture reading that. I send that to my group of guys, to Gary and Vic and Brian Covey and all the guys I send that to every morning. That kind of kicks our, that kind of kicks our, our, our text chat thread open for the day. And then here comes everybody else with their gym pictures and and what's going on in their life and we're connecting and staying, you know, in contact especially. You know some of them know what happened, some of my, some of them don't. They still don't know exactly what happened, but I'm the habit guy and I wrote this. I wrote this thought down the other day and I want you to. I'm telling you this is so good and so important for you. The moment that life comes along and crisis knocks the wind out of you, this quote will be something that saves you. Habits are great when you have momentum, but they are essential when you don't. Habits are great when you have momentum, but they are essential when you don't. When you don't, when you get punched In the mouth and you are Staggering and you're in fight, flight, freeze or phone and your nervous system doesn't really know how to respond. You better have something to lean into. You better have faith, family, friends, feelings. You better be able to feel those things, but you better have some habits to be able to lean into. And I'm telling you, out of all the things, guys, that I've been able to lean into, my habits have been the one of the most important things for me, because I know that if I do every morning, and when I get up my pre workouts made, my clothes are sitting in the chair, like there's times where I just want to lay in the bed and cry and I'm like, no, I'm getting up. I've already booked. I've already booked my orange theory class. I've already booked my f45 class. My peloton's waiting on me this morning. No, I'm getting my ass out of bed and I'm gonna do what I know I need to do, even when I don't feel like it, because I know that if I stick with my habits that I have formed over the past three years, the light at the end of the tunnel is going to become more brighter. It's going to become a clearer and eventually I'm going to get out of this darkness that I am in. Habits are great when you have momentum. They're essential when you do not. So what does that look like, guys? What do your habits look like? What is your morning routine and your daily routine look like. What is your Sunday night routine look like? Because I'm telling you, guys, you're all one moment, one bad decision from someone you care for and you love, away From being devastated. You know, even through this whole process and I'll share this and then I'm going to close even through this whole process, what I learned was God cares enough about me to show me who people really are, number one and number two. He cares enough about me to show me who I really am. Because I stood on the porch that day after the guy had left. She wouldn't answer the door and I called four or five times on the phone and finally she answered the phone and I said you owe me a conversation. And she said, ken, I'm afraid. I said don't be afraid, I've done too much work. I'm not angry. My heart's devastated but I'm not angry. I didn't get elevated one time and I said my prayer for you is that if there's anything you've learned out of the past four months of us being back together after not talking for a year, if there's anything that you've learned, it's that the work works. Because here I am in the midst of one of the most traumatic events of my entire life, and I chose to respond versus react. I chose what my nervous system was going to do, and the only way I was able to do that was because of the extensive work that I've done in somatic therapy. And I said my prayer for you is is that you do the work. You're an amazing human being and you've got lots of potential, and I love you more than any woman I've ever loved in my life, and my final words to you are look at the last four months, look at my life, look at what God's done in my life and realize that if you put the work in, you too, can change and become the best version of yourself. Guys, thanks for joining me this morning. Little different podcasts today. Yeah, if it's blessed, you helped you subscribe. Leave us a review. This is one that I really believe needs to be shared with everyone. I've never asked anyone to share a podcast, but I'd love for you, if you're listening to this, snap a screenshot, tag it, tag me, share it. Um, because there's a reason for the last three years. One of my five affirmations is I am whole. I choose to use past pain to help others find healing, and I'll be honest, see, there's been several times over the past several weeks since this last thing happened Roughly. God, I don't want any more influence. God, I don't want any more impact. I don't know that I can tolerate this level of pain anymore, and God always gives us a way of escape, and my way of escape is forgiveness, family, my friends, sitting in my feelings and then helping other people walk through and hopefully be able to speed up the healing process for them by implementing some of the things that I've implemented. Guys, I hope you have a blessed day and I'll see you next week on as later grows.

Personal Struggles and Losses
Permission to Feel
Importance of Faith, Family, Friends, Habits
Using Past Pain to Help Others