Imagine a moment in your life when everything seems to be crashing down, and just when you think you can't take anymore, life throws you another curveball. That's where I found myself after I experienced three significant traumas within a span of 90 days. I was lost in a sea of confusion and hurt, but I found my beacon of hope through forgiveness. Journey with me as I share how I survived these dark times, and take away some tips on how you can navigate your own path to healing and forgiveness.
I also delve into the tricky yet essential topic of trauma and its impact on relationships. Learn from the heart-wrenching story of a partner's betrayal, and how I managed to forgive them and let go of that relationship. Hear about my continual journey of healing as I learned to control my central nervous system, and how I summoned the courage to leave a relationship, even before it was suggested. It’s a bumpy road, but I believe that by sharing our experiences, we can make it a little easier for each other. Join me on this deeply personal exploration of healing and forgiveness. It might just be the key you need to unlock your own journey towards hope and healing.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it on social media and tag Ken Joslin.
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of as the leader grows. I am your host, ken Jocelyn. I'm super excited to continue where we've been at over the past couple weeks, and last weeks podcast that I did on coaching with Ken is one of the most talked about, one of the most I've had. So many people reach out and say, ken, thank you. Thank you for pulling back the curtain and giving us a look at really what life's all about, and I shared this last week in that podcast. I've shared it several times. My pastor, chris Hodges, says you're either in a crisis, you're on the way out of a crisis, or you're headed into a new crisis. And listen, guys, life is. Life is difficult, it's hard, and I shared last week some moments in my life and I just I heard a couple quotes or a couple stats this week. Number one 48% of Americans identify as hopeless. They have no hope. 48% that's almost. That's almost 50% of people identify as not having any hope. And last week I shared about three super traumatic events that have happened in my life in the last 90 days. One we did our last create conference forward facing was phenomenal. I mean it was great Brenda Brichard, irwin McManus, gary Breck, a Vic Keller, myself, tons of my friends, katherine Gordon, just a lot of amazing people there. For that Inward facing I lost about 150 to 175,000 dollars. It was devastating panic attack. The next morning about 412 in the morning had no idea what was going on. I woke up heart racing out of my chest, sweating nauseous. I texted my guys and Gary Breck had text back. He goes Ken, here's what's happening, you having a panic attack, everything's going to be okay. I didn't know if I was having a heart attack. I had no idea what was going on. He said here's some things you need doing your breath, work, do the shower, you'll be fine. And I was. And then the next couple hours I had two different people approach me with information on a person that was really, really close to me in my life, that I thought was a really, really good friend of mine, and it turned out this person was fraudulent. They weren't real. All the stuff was made up. So it was hit number two that weekend. And then in that process, at the end of August I moved 2600 miles to be with a woman that I loved very much, only to realize a couple, two or three weeks into the move I had made a mistake and then ultimately to find her in bed with an ex boyfriend. So three, three huge, significant, traumatic events in my life in three months and people are like I mean, ken, how did you like my other people that know me, that know what's happened? They're like dude, how do you keep going? I mean it's one thing to lose six figures, almost multiple six figures on an event and then look at your account and go, dude, how are we going to make it? Like, what am I going to do? How am I going to pay everything I have to pay? We worked three years to build this thing up and here we are like financially devastated. What are you going to do? And then to find out a person that was super close to me was not who they said they were and they were using me and other people that I had put them in relationship with to just build their platform. And then, a month ago, to be standing on the porch at the home of the woman you love and find out she's sleeping in the bed with another man while you're there. I heard Ed Young talk about this past week. I heard a little clip on on IG real and he said the average, the average person loses seven significant relationships in their lifetime. I've lost two in the last 60 days and it's hard, and I said this last week. You know how? How do you overcome trauma and betrayal at the highest level? Through faith, family, through feeling. All this stuff I shared last week and it was a, again, our most downloaded podcast to date, and today I want to. I want to, I want to take this to the next step, to the next level, because people go dude how in the world have you functioned through this? Well, I'll be super transparent with you. I haven't done, I haven't done the best job all the time, but I want to walk you through some steps today of what I've done to release and forgive, release and forgive. 48% of Americans feel hopeless and I really believe that the majority of the reason that we feel hopeless is because we hold on to a lot of unforgiveness, we hold on to a lot of bitterness. We allow that thing to stay rooted in our heart and dominate our thoughts, and that's been, that's been the hardest part for me over the last month to two months has been the, the, just the little things that happened throughout the day. One of those individuals unblocked me on Instagram and it popped up on my IG and I'm like whoa, you know, it's just those little moments. So let me say this to you real quick this is not easy. Forgiveness is a decision. Healing is a process. Say that again Forgiveness is a decision, but healing is a process and it can be a very difficult process. It can feel super lonely. I had a really good friend of mine earlier today. Adora called me. We spent 40 minutes on the phone just processing through. I was on the phone yesterday or the day before yesterday with my good friend, tracy Deuce, processing through what's going on. I've got a therapy appointment with Maxine this afternoon processing through what's going on and the thoughts and all this stuff. So I just want to give you some of the things that I've done over the past couple months to really help me operate and live in forgiveness. And again, this is not easy, this is very difficult and I haven't crushed this 100% of the time. Let's just say I probably get it right about 75% of the time. And I would say this over the past four weeks, since that happened to me in Northern California that day, standing on that front porch, I've probably gotten a couple percentages better every single day, and I want to walk you through these really quick because I think this will help our audience, because, again, I don't care if you're in a crisis, coming out of a crisis or heading in one. Some of the things that I'm going to teach you today and share with you today, this is personal experience. I'm like God, this is so fresh, like this is so raw for me to be able to come on here a month after this. Literally, it was three weeks ago, last week, that this happened and it's so raw. And so I mean, I've done so much somatic therapy that I shared this last week. I've done so much somatic therapy that, even when that moment happened and I realized what was going on, and I got out of flight or fight, and I realized exactly what was happening in the moment, because you, literally, your nervous system will go numb to protect you and I realized what was happening and I'm like, oh my God, Like this is, I'm here at the house and this is actually going on. Like, literally, I made a decision at that moment which would have been impossible for me to do a year and a year and a half ago. Oh, I would have lost it. You know what I'm going to respond. I'm not going to react and I want to walk you through what I've done since that moment and those moments that happened at the end of July. And so, guys, number one steps to forgiveness. Disclaimer, asterisk disclaimer, big surgeon, general Warning this is not easy, but I promise you it's possible For me. The number one thing is I have to understand what I've been forgiven of Like. I have to understand what I've been forgiven of as a person of faith, understanding man that Jesus has forgiven me at a level for things that I have done in my life, in my life against him, that are unforgivable, and yet he still forgives me. So I think the first step of forgiveness and again, this isn't an easy process, but I hope and I know my prayer is every single one of you that are listening to this podcast you're going to draw from my pain. Again, one of my five affirmations is I am whole. I choose to use past pain to help others find healing, and that's what I hope you find in this process Understand what you've been forgiven of. I love Luke, chapter seven, verse 47. It's a story and Jesus just basically says in that story he who has been forgiven of much loves much. He who has been forgiven of much loves much. And Ephesians 432, paul gives us some pretty clear, some pretty clear instructions, like when someone sins against you or they wrong you or they hurt you, like you're not waiting on an apology Because I can promise you I'm never getting an apology, probably from either one of these people. They're both blocked, they can't contact me anyway, but I promise you I'm not going to get an apology from either one of these people. And here's what I would say to you for those of you guys that are waiting on an apology and we've heard this before but guys, it just makes so much sense. It's almost like you know us drinking or eating rat poison and expecting the other person to die, like they're moving on. And until you choose to operate and live in forgiveness, all the only person that it is hurting is you. And bitterness, literally physiologic you know what I'm trying to say physiological it literally will eat away at your health, it will destroy your health. So, understand what you've been forgiven of and understand that, jesus, this is what you forgiven me of. So when I understand, in the context of what you forgiven me of, it's easier for me than in turn to forgive other people. So look at it through the lens of may God. This is what I've been forgiven of. So, god, it's a commandment. He doesn't give us an option to forgive or maybe not forgive. He goes because he understands that when we hold on to that unforgiveness or that bitterness, the only person that it hurts is you, the only person. Stop waiting on an apology, because it's not going to come. You can take what you've learned in this season of your life when you've been hurt or betrayed or wronged. You can take that and go. You know what, if I ever do this to somebody else, or if I ever make a mistake in somebody else's life, I'm going to own it because I know what it feels like when I don't. And if you listened to the podcast last week when I shared about what happened the next day and what God was speaking to me about my girl's mom, my ex-wife, her ex-husband and the things God said to me about what I needed to do to make those things right, you'll understand and you'll have the opportunity that man, through this pain, through this betrayal, what can happen is you can come out on the other side with an understanding of what it feels like when someone does something to you that hurts that bad. So understand what you've been forgiven of and remember this forgiveness is a process. I'm sorry. Forgiveness is a decision. Healing is a process. Healing is a journey. When you forgive, it's a decision, because what happens is that thing will rise up in you. It will rise up in you like from out of nowhere, literally. This weekend I'm thumbing through my Instagram stories and I see this person's best friend and other friend all over my Instagram story, looking and viewing, and I'm like what in it? Just what did it do? It instantly triggered me and I'm like no, stop, I'm not going to operate in unforgiveness. I'm not going to operate in bitterness. God, I have already chosen to forgive this person for what they've done. Now I actually have a prayer that I pray God. Anywhere in their heart where they're broken or wounded or they have trauma that they do not realize what's? Number one, that is even there, because I lived with that for 40 years that they don't realize that there is unrealized trauma and hurt and wounds in their heart that would cause them to betray me the way that they did. God, number one, I forgive them. God. I thank you for the way you've forgiven me and God, I just pray that you'd show them the way, god, I pray Ephesians 1.17 that you'd open the eyes of their heart, god, that they may understand the riches of the inheritance that they have in Christ Jesus. God, I just pray you speak to them and God you show them, and God that you move them along the path of repentance in their own heart, with you, number one, and then with themselves. Because I'm telling you, man, one of the hardest moments is when you've betrayed someone, you've hurt someone really really bad, and you have that, that aha moment of oh my gosh, man, I've really, I've really hurt some people, man, my actions and my decisions have really crushed and maybe even caused trauma in people's lives. So, number one, understand what you've been forgiven of. Number two, understand it's not you, it is absolutely not you. Guys, I have been so vocal, so clear over the past 18 months of the work that I've done in therapy with Maxine and my good friend Lauren on my somatic therapy side, and I'll never forget sitting there, standing there on the outside, the front door of this person's house, when it clicked. What was going on? Oh my God, we're literally together right now in the bedroom, and what would have happened in my heart a year to a year and a half ago would have been what did I do wrong? Why wasn't I good enough? How could I have avoided this? How could I have done? Listen, not one time did that thought ever enter my mind. Not one time I understood immediately. Can? This has nothing to do with you. God is showing you exactly who this individual is so you can let this relationship go. The hard part is, guys those of us that have dealt with trauma as a child or a teenager, or trauma in our adult life. What happens is a lot of times we look inwardly and we start blaming ourselves for other people's behavior. Understand that when somebody betrays you or you experience trauma or hurt at the hands of someone else, it's not about you, it's about them. And I know we've heard it before and it's true hurting people hurt people. And I think for me it's easier because I understand the role of trauma. Because if you've heard my story at all six up sitting in Maxine's office two years ago tell me your story. Well, born in Detroit, raised in Pontiac, parents got divorced and I was eight years old, I was in the second grade. We moved from Georgia to, or from Michigan to Georgia. From my sixth grade year to my senior year of high school, we moved back and forth six different times. I went to 12 different high schools, our 12 different schools, six different high schools. And Maxine looked at me that day and she said, ken, why in the world would you move so much? I said, maxine, I didn't have a choice. If I ever got in trouble, my mom would say, go, pack a bag. And I had 24 to 48 hours and I was on a plane, a bus or my dad was on the way to pick me up and Maxine's writing in her. She's writing in her notebook. And I'll never forget what. She looked up at me. She said this. She said, ken, she goes. How do you think that's affected your relationships with the women in your life who are supposed to love and protect you? And I sat there and it was the second biggest aha moment of my life and I just wept. Three weeks before that I was with this in the same relationship, or this relationship with the same individual. She picked me up at the airport in San Francisco. We didn't even make it across the bridge and we had a conversation. I got triggered. I made her pull the car over. I got out, I took my suitcase and I left. And so here was a 53 year old man living out the trauma of a 13 year old boy. Except now, the woman in my life is not going to tell me to leave. I'm going to leave before she tells me. And I'll never forget sitting in that office with my therapist, maxine. I was so angry. I was angry that that had been in my life for 40 years and I did not realize it. And once the anger wore off, I said I'm going to change this. I am not going to be this same man for the rest of my life. And I dove into. I dove into therapy with Maxine. I dove into therapy with Lauren somatic therapy, learning how to control my central nervous system. Guys, listen, I don't know if you've ever caught a spouse or a partner in the act of being unfaithful with another person, but I literally sat there and processed through this this time and I'll never forget. I finally pulled my car down to the other street, watched the dude run out, get his car and leave, knocked on the door. She didn't answer. I called her five times and I said you owe me a conversation. And man, her voice was trembling and shaking and she said can, I'm afraid. I said listen, you don't need to be afraid of me, I'm not angry. My heart's crushed but I'm not angry. And it's the work, guys, and listen. The more you understand trauma, the more you're going to understand that trauma plays a role in a person's behavior and their decision making. Because what's happened, even after this moment in my life, is man. There's such an empathy, there's such a man, I feel, for somebody that can make a decision like that, like man. How broken and how hurting must an individual be to be able to do something like that? And I heard something. I heard something earlier today and I don't remember who said it. I'd quote him if I remembered it, but it said this people don't abandon people, they love. People abandon people, they use. People don't abandon people, they love People abandon people, they use. And I'll never forget. I was on a phone with a really good friend of mine that day and I was already, had already started working out like a huge Christmas surprise and the person that was going to help me with it. I had to call and go hey, like, here's what happened. You know, obviously we're not doing Christmas thing, and this was she. Text me back. She goes, can she say God's? She said their rejection is God's protection, their rejection is God's protection. And again, people don't abandon people. They love. People abandon people, they use, and the reason that people use other people is because they're broken. They're broken people. So, number one, understand what you've been forgiven of. Number two, understand it's got nothing to do with you, absolutely nothing to do with you. It's all about them. It's all about their hurt, it's all about their trauma. It's all about the things that are going on in their heart that cause them to make that decision. Game changer for me, complete game changer for me, because a year and a half ago I told you I'd been like what did I do wrong? What could I have done different? How could I have handled this different? All of that. The third thing you've got to do is you got to release them. You have to release them. Their relationships guys it didn't have to be this severe but their relationships in your life, right now that you know they're not adding value but they're taking value. It's not a reciprocal. It's not a reciprocal relationship to where you're adding value and they're adding value and you're constantly pushing and sharpening Proverbs 27, 17,. Iron sharpens iron. You're constantly helping each other become the best version of yourself. Sometimes you simply have to release people. Here's the hard part about releasing people. When you have something that happens in my case, it's easy to release. It's like, okay, they're not the person I thought they were. God, you showed me who they were. God, this really has nothing to do with me. It's them. It's not anything I did. It's their trauma, it's their wound. It's their the things that really be honest with you. They refuse to work on or process through or get healed from. So understand, it's not you. And then the last thing is you have to release them. You have to recognize your season. You have to recognize the season in your life and the season that you're in in a specific relationship. Am I adding value to this person? Am I adding value? I listen, I love. I don't. I try not to have any relationships where I don't add more value than I receive, because that's that's part of who I am. God's giving me that giving nature and that, that pastor kind of shepherd's heart to be able to help people and to be able to add value to people. Recognize your season, guys, listen again. You're either in a crisis, you're coming out of a crisis or you're on the way into another crisis. Listen, you can. You can release and forgive. The biggest thing is is you've got to, you've got to walk through these three steps. You've got to choose to be in forgiveness. You have to choose and it's not just a one time. God, I forgive this person because they did fill in the blank. Every time something comes up in your heart, or you see their, you see them, or you hear about them, or you get their name. Cause, guys, I promise you you can get to a point, to where you hear their name. You don't get that pit in your stomach. Your nervous system doesn't react and go into one of the four fight, flight, freeze or phone. It's like, oh, oh, you know what? Okay, jesus, man, god, I just man, god, I just, I pray for that individual. God, I thank you that I've already made a decision to forgive them and God, I just, I just speak forgiveness. And God, I thank you because guys listen, it'll also bring in. Remember it's of what you've been forgiven of. God, I thank you that you forgave me of the unforgivable. And God, I thank you that your word says God, it's. It's it's my role as a Christ follower a Jesus follower to be able to forgive this individual too. So when those, those moments come up and they're going to, some people will hurt you and then dig, because literally in the last few days, just on social media, it's been like and I was sharing with two of my friends, I'm literally like leave me alone. So obviously, yes, block them, do all the stuff, but it's like why would you even do what you did and then follow it up with three or four weeks later doing this? So you're gonna have opportunities where you have to revisit the forgiveness decision because, again, forgiveness is a decision. Healing is a process. Forgiveness is a decision and you're gonna have to make that decision over and over and over and over, but healing is a process. Let me say this to you the healing journey will only begin at the pace that you choose to forgive. The healing process, the healing journey will begin and move forward at the same pace that you're willing to forgive that person who has hurt you or betrayed you. Guys, listen, I hope this episode of as the Leader Grows has helped you. Guys listen, releasing and forgiving people. Huge 48% of Americans say they live a hopeless life. You don't have to be hopeless. You do not have to be hopeless. Listen, I'm going to share a link to our Facebook page for our GSD community. Lots of free information, lots of content. I come on there a couple times a week and drop information. I would love for you to join. It's absolutely free, it doesn't cost you anything. Love for you to join. That's a way you can get connected with us. If this podcast has added value to you, I'm going to ask you to do me a favor. I'm going to ask you to click the subscribe button Also, go over and leave us a five star view and, if you're listening to this, snap a screenshot on Instagram, share it, tag me and I'll share it and give you a little love. Guys, again, thank you so much for tuning in and I know this is a heavy, heavy topic the last couple weeks, but forgiveness is huge when you learn how to operate in true biblical forgiveness, game changer in your life. Have a good week, see you.