Time alone doesn't heal all wounds; it's the work we put into ourselves that mends the broken pieces. Join me, Ken Joslin, as I strip down the illusions of healing in relationships, challenging the popular belief that a period of solitude guarantees emotional recovery. I ignite a conversation with a social media post that got everyone talking, explaining why therapy and confrontation of unresolved issues are indispensable in breaking the cycle of repetitive relationship challenges. It's about finding a partner who doesn't just stand by your side but actively joins you in the trenches of personal growth.
Relationships are our mirrors, reflecting back the parts of ourselves we often overlook. In this heart-to-heart, I unravel a story close to my chest about the times when being heard is more precious than being advised, pulling insights from influential reads like "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "The Way of the Superior Man." I discuss how our intimate connections can be the catalyst for profound self-improvement, pushing us to evolve in ways we hadn't anticipated. We'll examine the balance of finding a partner who shares our values and how to cherish the journey of mutual growth, hoping to light the path for listeners toward healthier, growth-oriented relationships.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it on social media and tag Ken Joslin.
Time alone doesn't heal all wounds; it's the work we put into ourselves that mends the broken pieces. Join me, Ken Joslin, as I strip down the illusions of healing in relationships, challenging the popular belief that a period of solitude guarantees emotional recovery. I ignite a conversation with a social media post that got everyone talking, explaining why therapy and confrontation of unresolved issues are indispensable in breaking the cycle of repetitive relationship challenges. It's about finding a partner who doesn't just stand by your side but actively joins you in the trenches of personal growth.
Relationships are our mirrors, reflecting back the parts of ourselves we often overlook. In this heart-to-heart, I unravel a story close to my chest about the times when being heard is more precious than being advised, pulling insights from influential reads like "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "The Way of the Superior Man." I discuss how our intimate connections can be the catalyst for profound self-improvement, pushing us to evolve in ways we hadn't anticipated. We'll examine the balance of finding a partner who shares our values and how to cherish the journey of mutual growth, hoping to light the path for listeners toward healthier, growth-oriented relationships.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it on social media and tag Ken Joslin.
Hey, what's up guys? Welcome to another episode of as the leader grows. I am your host, ken Jocelyn. This is probably going to be the most controversial episode I've ever done. I'm kidding, I said it like a damn evil scientist. Laugh, didn't it? We've talked a lot about leadership. We've talked about our core five faith, health, relationship, business and finances. I want to hone in on relationships. I've talked a lot over the last couple years about trauma, about healing, about what it's like out there in Dem streets when it comes to dating and dating apps and different girls and and relationships and all the stuff right.
Speaker 1:I posted this last week. I didn't get too blasted. I probably didn't get as blasted as I thought I was going to get, but I'll read this straight from my social media account to all the single ladies Don't tell me how long you've been single. Tell me how long you've been with your therapist. I got more feedback on this. On this post probably did anything I've ever done in my life. They're like what do you mean? And I'm like listen. And here's the deal. If it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, it's a freaking duck. My friends, and here's one of the things I've learned is we're going to talk man, I've got a ton of notes and this, this, this episode only goes 20 minutes. This may be a part one, part two We'll see what happens. I've got a ton of notes to talk to you today about this.
Speaker 1:One of the things I've learned is the length of time that you're single does not equal the amount of healing that your heart has went through and the and, to be honest with you, the sad part about this is is most, most people that I've dated, or most people that I've been in relationship with, they really equate to. I've been single for three years? Well, I've been single for five years? Well, I've had one relationship in the last 10 years and it was about a year, year and a half and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The reality of it is and here's what I've learned is it doesn't matter how long you've been single, doesn't literally, I don't care if it's 10 years, when person I dated for a few weeks, like literally, they have only had one relationship in like 10 years. And the reality of it is is, if you're not doing the work on you, it doesn't matter how long the time, how much time has passed, because the reality of it is is whatever trauma or whatever relationship struggles or whatever areas in your heart that aren't healed. I don't care if it's three years, five years or 10 years.
Speaker 1:When you get back into a relationship, as ready as you may think you are because 95% of people who think they're ready for relationships they're not it doesn't matter the length of time. If it's been five years, three years, and you jump back into another relationship, you're going to struggle with the same stuff you struggled with three years ago and I've had this conversation a couple times in some relationships over the past two or three years and it's this listen, you're going to have to do the work regardless, so you might as well find someone that you're willing to do the work with. So here's our big idea today. And again, I wasn't picking on single ladies. I just thought it was funny, because every time you talk to a girl or you see her on an app or somebody wants to introduce you to somebody, the first thing they lead with is I've been single for filling the blank. And the reality of it is is I've learned. Especially, I've went out with a couple of people who are in their fourth year of college and I've been in their fourth year of college and I've been single for the last couple years and I've been seeing people who are in their 40s and have never been married. All the guys right now you're filling in the blank in your mind already there's a reason they're in their 40s and they've never been married. And listen, the reality of it is even I'm not picking on people, listen, I'm like Paul who wrote two thirds of the New Testament.
Speaker 1:I'm chief center two years ago and if you've heard my story and you heard me sitting in my therapist's office almost two years ago, share my story and about 12 schools in 12 years and every time I got in trouble my mom would tell me to pack a bag and she'd and I literally had 20, 40, 48 hours and I was on a bus, a plane or my dad was on the way to pick me up from Michigan. 12 schools in 12 years, six different high schools. I moved back and forth to Michigan six different times between my sixth grade and my senior year of high school and I'll never forget the moment when Maxine, my amazing therapist here in Birmingham, looked at me and she said Ken, how do you think that's affected your relationship on the women in your life who are supposed to love and protect you, and I've shared this a million times from stage at create. I've shared it on our podcast. I've shared it on other stages around the country. I literally broke when she said that within five seconds, I was sobbing. I was a sobbing mess.
Speaker 1:And I went back at that time about three weeks prior. I was in San Francisco. I just landed at the airport with a woman that I loved very dearly, and we didn't even make it across the bridge and we had an argument. I got triggered, I made her pull the car over, I got my suitcase out and I left, and here was a 53 year old man living out the trauma of a 13 year old boy. Except now, the woman in my life was not gonna tell me to leave. I was gonna leave before she told me, and so it started a journey for me of really and I'd be honest with you I was freaking pissed. That was when I was in that, when I was in that therapy office that day, and I realized I had been living with this, not only living with this trauma, but using this trauma.
Speaker 1:It is so funny how your subconscious works, using the trauma as a badge of honor. I went to 12 different schools in 12 years. I went to six different high schools. You could put me in any situation and I can make friends anywhere I go. And has it helped me do what I do? Of course it has, but it was also, as my therapist said, ken, that was your subconscious, your subconscious. It was its way of protecting and not wanting to deal with the trauma. Gabby Bernstein talks about it in her book Happy Days Like. Literally, your subconscious will fool you when there's trauma to make you think nothing's there because it's painful to deal with.
Speaker 1:So to all the single ladies don't tell me how long you've been single. Tell me how long you've been with your therapist. Even on any of my profiles on any dating apps I've been on the last year and a half, two years, since I've really been actively in therapy and working on healing my own heart, I put on there listen, if you don't have a therapist, don't match with me If you don't have a therapist and people that want to introduce me to ladies around the countries, they're like hey, ken, I've got this friend and she's single, and I'm like does she have a therapist? You're like really, ken, that's what you say I promise you 100% of the time. That's exactly what I say. Do you have a therapist? As a matter of fact, I look back, even in this past summer.
Speaker 1:Some of you guys have heard the story of what happened in moving 2,600 miles and then finding out that the girl, the woman that I moved 2,600 miles with, had not only been communicating to an ex-boyfriend, I actually caught her in bed with her ex-boyfriend while I was still living in California. And I go back and I start looking at okay, ken, what were some boundaries that I set? What were some red flags that I ignored? Because I promise you, you don't have to wind up at somebody's home with your partner in bed with another individual because there's red flags and there's things that you can. I mean literally they're screaming at you to understand. And I knew even in that process I had set a time up for my therapist to have a conversation and then one of my therapists got back with me and went. We had a joint convo. She was like Ken, she's not ready, she doesn't think anything's wrong. I knew it. I knew at the moment that was a huge red flag for me.
Speaker 1:So your healing isn't the length of time you've spent alone is the amount of time you've spent actively working on yourself. Three different things I want to share with you real quick. Number one is the amount of time you spent with your therapist. If you do not have a therapist, I want to encourage you to find a good Therapist. I've had three different therapists over the past couple years. Two that I spent a ton of time with one. My good friend, lauren Zoller, who spoke on my stage a couple times, has done an amazing job with me, specifically Focusing on somatic therapy, which means I can control my central nervous system, which means even in that instance, when I Found my ex-girlfriend in bed with another man, I literally did not get elevated.
Speaker 1:I didn't lose my temper. For those of you guys that know me, that's a that's a huge, huge thing. As a matter of fact, when I finally got her on the phone that day, I went back to the house. I drove away real quick. He comes running out of the house and leaves. I don't even know if I should this story publicly like this. He leaves.
Speaker 1:I pull back up in my parking spot that his car was parked in and I knocked on the door and she wouldn't come to the door and I called her several times and she finally picked up on about the fifth ring and she's. I said you owe me a conversation, you owe me an explanation. And I moved 2600 miles to be with you and she said, can? I'm afraid. And I said there's no need to be afraid Because I'm not angry. My heart was hurt and crushed but I'm not angry. And it was the length of time that I had spent with Lauren working in somatic therapy to be able to control my central nervous system, to learn how to respond versus reacting. When I say reacting, some of you guys get it like literally Something happens and you're triggered and you fly off at the handle.
Speaker 1:Listen, the length of time you've spent alone, in the length of time You've been single, does not equal the amount of healing that your hearts went through. How much time have you spent with your therapist, or two therapists? And it's so funny because I love the way I'm seeing Therapy in the mainstream and on social media now like it's actually not like taboo, like you've got two therapists. Listen, I Would say this it's just like changing your oil in your car. Therapy is just like changing the oil in your car. You don't wait till your engine locks up, you change your oil every three, five, seven thousand, ten thousand, depending on what your manufacturers recommendation is for that specific car Therapies the same way. So the length of time you spend with your therapist number one indicator on how healed your heart is number two, the length of time you spend studying and reading books and really processing through Yourself as a man or a woman in trying to become the best version of yourself.
Speaker 1:I used to say this every year when I pastored. I would do a six-week courtship series with all my teenagers. We call it God, will you go with me? Because you know, when you're a kid and you say I'm gonna go with so-and-so, and your mama look in the eye and she would say, come on, you can repeat it with me when you going? Right, she would say where you going. And I did a series called God, would you go with me? In the theme of that entire series that I did with my students was this Instead of worrying about finding mr or mrs Right, be more concerned with becoming Mr and mrs Right.
Speaker 1:So the time about the time you spend with your therapist, the amount of time you spend reading books now, if you're a man and you listen this Podcast, which a lot of dudes do. There are four books I'm gonna drop on you right now that you have got to read and I'm gonna give a little disclaimer because some of them I'm like. Some of. Some of the stuff is good. Some of it I'm like man it's. It's a little different and, as a Christ follower and a believer, some of it is a little bit different. Number one is masculine in relationship, by my friend, gs, young blood. I had GS on the podcast last year. The one thing that I learned in that book more than anything else was the was how to hold space for my partner. Like Women are fem, the feminine creature, their emotional creatures. God made them that way and if you're watching this video, you'll actually see me kind of work my hands right here when a woman gets elevated and this is what I learned from GS and I'm telling you phenomenal, it was a game changer for me.
Speaker 1:The man's role is to hold space and not get elevated himself or Feel the need to explain or defend, which is exactly what I used to do. Because of my insecurity, because of that trauma, I felt like, nope, this isn't right. And I'm gonna explain to you why. Nope, this isn't right. I'm gonna defend why you, why you think that I am acting or I am the way that you think I am Simply hold space, just hold space and let me let me help you out with some language. And because I actually did this in this last Relationship this past summer I, hey, babe, I love you, I hear you and I would just sit there and hold space, even when she got to a point where she raised her voice and yelled at me a couple of times. I mean, I literally looked at her. Calm, babe, I love you. But if we're going to have a conversation, you're going to have to bring the tone down. If you just need me to hold space for you right now while you vent, I will hold space for you and I just want you to know that I love you, and that's one way to hold space.
Speaker 1:Another way to hold space is and, guys, we messed this up so many times. I found myself even doing this in the last month. I had to, I had to, I had to what we would say in the South I had to crawfish. I had to back up just a bit and go hang on a minute because I was presented with hey, this happened and this happened and this happened and us men and ladies forgive us for doing this, because sometimes we're just not smart. I went right into solution and fix mode and I realized after about 30 seconds that I stopped and I looked at her and I said I am so sorry. I said, did you need me to just listen or were you looking for feedback? Guys, I'm telling you that it is a game changer if you'll just learn that one line. So, masking a relationship no more.
Speaker 1:Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover. A good friend, greg Reed, gave me that book to read. How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne Good book. There's some things in there as a Christ follower that's like, but it's still. It's still a phenomenal book. And listen, every one of these books there were principles that I pulled out that I was like I need to work on this. This needs to be something that I add to how I respond, or how I react while I'm in a relationship or I'm just in a dating relationship, maybe seeing you know different women at the same time. The last one is the way of the superior man by David Data. I'm actually on the second time through in the past few weeks and it is a phenomenal. Phenomenal book.
Speaker 1:So don't tell me how long you've been single or how much time you spend alone. Tell me how much time you spent with your therapist. Tell me how much time you spent reading books to really work on you. And there's another one here. So in this, gabby Bernstein's happy days was one of the first ones I read over a year ago. Phenomenal book as well.
Speaker 1:These four specific books were specifically for men. And then here's the. Here's a kicker right here. I'm just gonna have to be two parts. I can tell already we're 16 minutes in this podcast already. Here's the kicker the amount of time you spend with your therapist, the amount of time you spend reading and really working on yourself, focused intention on you, and then the amount of time you spend in an active relationship.
Speaker 1:Because there are some things men and women who are listening to me today there are some things that you cannot work through unless you're in an active relationship. We went through a specific counseling when I was pastoring a church called Elijah House and I'll never forget John Sanford is the guy who created this Elijah House type of counseling therapy and the one thing that he said is is the individual that God puts you with. He does for a reason and he calls it. You're perfectly designed to grind, and now not that kind of grinding. For all you guys that are like, yeah, that's what I want. All you ladies like, yeah, huh, no, no, no, that's not. I'm not talking about that kind of grinding. I'm talking about listen. When you get with somebody, they're going to draw out of you and pull out of you the stuff that's almost like the worst part of you. Because if you ever noticed and I used to have this conversation in one of my, the longest relationship I've had in the past couple of years was you.
Speaker 1:You tend to snap or lose it more and quicker with the person that you're intimate with, versus a server at a restaurant or a co-worker or a friend. You would never treat them or fly off the handle to them like you would the person that you're intimate with. And there's a reason. And there is a reason because you feel safe with them and you feel like there's and sometimes there's no filter. But the reality of it is is this that every time that you do that, it shows how you as a man or even a woman, in this case, guys is still, is still in that healing process. So you've got to spend some time in an active relationship because, again, as my friend John T Sanford says, you're perfectly designed to grind Like it's going to cause things to surface, and there's been a couple times over the past few months where I've started dating an individual and they're like you know and I am listen I'm so intentional in my dating. I know exactly what I'm looking for.
Speaker 1:Lauren walked me through about a year, year and a half ago, walked me through a process of literally describing like what would my ideal partner look like, and it starts with a Proverbs 31 woman and for those of you that are faith based, you understand exactly what I'm talking about. As a matter of fact, I went to dinner with a lady one night in Salt Lake City and she was like I love Jesus, I love Jesus, I love Jesus, and so I was like we were having dinner and there's, there's. I don't usually share this upfront with someone, but I just shared with her a little bit of that. Was actually another guy at dinner with this mutual friend and I shared with her part of the very beginning paragraph about Proverbs 31 woman and some of the attributes I was looking for and she looked at me and she said what's a Proverbs 31 woman? And I kind of chuckled and I went hmm, okay, loving Jesus and not knowing what a Proverbs 31 woman are, those two things really don't go together. And so I knew immediately, like this is not somebody that I'm going to want to invest time in, because you really, she really didn't even her faith just wasn't that deep and really didn't understand what a Proverbs 31 woman was.
Speaker 1:But you're going to have to spend some time in a relationship. And there's been a couple times, guys, over the past few months where I've been in a relationship that I thought man, this, this, this person is man, she checks all the boxes only to find out later in the relationship, you know, two, three, four weeks in that they were not ready for a relationship, they were not ready for commitment. Because what happens is when, again, three years single, five years single, haven't been in a relationship in several years, and the reality of it we think that we're healed, but the reality of it is is we're not. So the same things that we didn't deal with three years ago in a relationship, or five years ago or 10 years ago, you're going to deal with today unless you're actively spending time in these three areas with your therapist, with yourself, reading books and really self discovery and trying to become not trying, but becoming the best version of yourself. And if you're applying what you've learned in an active relationship.
Speaker 1:Some of my good friends all over Julie Manano and Elizabeth and the art of dating Eunice in New York City like they've got some phenomenal young Pueblo, some phenomenal posts on Instagram about hey, listen, you can have to be in an active relationship to continue to sharpen and even in a, even in a relationship, in an intimate partnership where you're really trying to discover God. Is this person, is this man, is this woman, could this person be my partner? Will you go into the relationship with that motivation? Instead of I'm just looking for somebody to have sex with, I'm just looking for somebody to spend time with. I don't want to be lonely, because I even had someone say to me they said Ken, you know, I, I, I'm just. I figure how I say this.
Speaker 1:One of my needs is this if I'm going to be in a committed relationship with an individual, I want to make sure especially if they're not the same town I just want to make sure we connect every night before we go to bed. Two minutes, three minutes face, and I'm a face timer. So some of you guys, some of my friends, are laughing because none of my guy friends will FaceTime me if they're around anybody else. Because for all my guy friends out there, you know I will answer the. I will answer my cell phone FaceTime in the shower, but naked. If it's one of my guy friends, it calls me. So they will not FaceTime me if they're around anybody else because they have no idea where I'm at. But the reality of it is is I said, listen, I just want to FaceTime a couple of minutes. It doesn't have to be long, two minutes a day at the very end of the day.
Speaker 1:How was your day?
Speaker 1:Where did you win today? What? What sucked today? How can I pray for you and how can I help you? I just just to connect because if you, if you, if you say you want to be in a committed relationship, it's not just about your needs being met, but it's also about you as a healthy partner going. How can I meet the needs of my partner? And I'll never forget when I express that for the second time in a relationship and she was just like you know, I don't know that I can do that, you know, and that's you know. I don't know, I don't know that, ken, that I can meet those needs and that's for her. She said these were the words she used. That's a little needy and I corrected her very quickly and I said listen, make no mistake, I don't need you, I choose you. I don't need you, I choose you. And I can be single and I'm just fine. I don't have to be in a relationship and if I'm single, guess what that needs not going to get met. Well, that need is going to get met when I find the right, secure, healthy partner. So I hope you guys are doing well.
Speaker 1:Guys, I've got a ton I'm going to. I'm going to stop this recording this podcast. Yeah, we're 23 minutes in. I normally go 18 to 20 minutes. I'm going to stop this, I'm going to end here. So today, big idea is this and I know I said it to the single ladies, I was being a little facetious, maybe just a little sarcastic Don't tell me how long you've been single. Tell me how long you've been with your therapist. So, part one dating, dating, 911. I'm not sure what I'm going to call this podcast. We'll see what the AI says today, but, guys, thank you again for joining us on another episode of as the leader grows.
Speaker 1:I am your host, ken Dawson. I'm going to come back next week on Monday. I'm going to drop another episode about dating and man. I want to speak some specific things to you. Like, when you move from a position of needing a partner to choosing a partner, you'll be amazed at who God brings you in your life. One of the other things for the guys the type of woman you choose says more about you as a man than it does her as a woman.
Speaker 1:I'm going to walk through all of this stuff that God's been dropping and downloading on me over the past couple of months and my heart is that it adds value, and I believe it will, because my heart is for healthy partnership between the people that are listening in this audience, and there's thousands of you, and I appreciate you guys. So, if this has added value, as always, I'm going to ask you to do a couple of things. Number one subscribe. Number two leave us a fast R review. Number three if you'll snap a screenshot of this podcast, share it on Instagram, tag me. I'll give you some love in front of all my audience. Also, guys, do not miss March 14th, 15th, 16th, create in Atlanta. Speaker lineup is in freaking sane. Tickets are on sale now. Early bird oh, it's going to be after Christmas. Before I drop this, we're running a Bogo for Christmas, but anyway, I love you guys. I'll see you next week. On as the Leader Goes.