Embarking on a personal journey of self-discovery and improvement dramatically changes the dating game; I know because I've walked that path. Therapy and self-improvement are often discussed in whispers, but it's time to bring that conversation to the forefront and share how these tools can transform your readiness for love. My own experiences with therapy and self-care routines have shaped how I approach relationships, and in this episode, I'm pulling back the curtain to reveal why being single isn't enough—it's the quality of introspection and growth that sets the stage for a healthy partnership.
Navigating the complexities of selecting the right partner is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I recount a tale of a woman from Salt Lake City, which underscores the significance of shared values and spiritual maturity in seeking a Proverbs 31 kind of love. From subconscious patterns that trip our romantic choices to the sage advice found in transformative books, we'll explore why it's crucial to be discerning and intentional in love. As you join me on this exploration, you'll gain insights on not just finding the perfect partner but becoming one, setting a course for a fulfilling and intentional relationship.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it on social media and tag Ken Joslin.
Embarking on a personal journey of self-discovery and improvement dramatically changes the dating game; I know because I've walked that path. Therapy and self-improvement are often discussed in whispers, but it's time to bring that conversation to the forefront and share how these tools can transform your readiness for love. My own experiences with therapy and self-care routines have shaped how I approach relationships, and in this episode, I'm pulling back the curtain to reveal why being single isn't enough—it's the quality of introspection and growth that sets the stage for a healthy partnership.
Navigating the complexities of selecting the right partner is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I recount a tale of a woman from Salt Lake City, which underscores the significance of shared values and spiritual maturity in seeking a Proverbs 31 kind of love. From subconscious patterns that trip our romantic choices to the sage advice found in transformative books, we'll explore why it's crucial to be discerning and intentional in love. As you join me on this exploration, you'll gain insights on not just finding the perfect partner but becoming one, setting a course for a fulfilling and intentional relationship.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it on social media and tag Ken Joslin.
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of as the leader grows. I am your host, ken Jocelyn, and I'm super excited to be back. Part two I don't know that I've ever done a part two. We're doing a part two today, part two of dating 911. Super excited.
Speaker 1:We've had so much feedback coming from a quote that I did about a month ago, maybe two or three weeks ago, and the quote was this ladies, don't tell me how long you've been single, tell me how long you've been with your therapist, because the reality of it is it doesn't matter how long you've been single. I've dated a few girls over the past few months that have been single. You know, been single for 10 years and maybe a relationship for just a few months, or one a year, and another one a few weeks, and somebody that's been single and hasn't dated for three years. And what I've learned is this and this isn't a knock on any of the ladies at all, none whatsoever is it doesn't matter how long you've been single If you have not done the work and been intentional. Just like my quote hey, ladies, don't tell me how long you've been single, tell me how much time you spent with your therapist. Just just in the same manner if you haven't spent time, and last week I talked about three things. Number one I talked about the time you spent with your therapist. Huge, therapy is just like changing the oil in your car. I absolutely love kind of the movement today making therapy normal. Because, listen, I was on a call with a friend today and they were like, oh, the f'd up version, or blah blah, blah, blah, and I stopped and said whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I said you're not an f'd up version of it, you're human. You're a human being because we, we can judge ourselves more harsh than people judge, judge us. And I, just I really I'm huge old words. Huge is huge.
Speaker 1:Scripture says that the power of life and death is in the tongue, and so understand, if you're listening to this, if you listen to last week and you jumped on this people are sharing this episode. They're sharing my content over the past few months in a way that we've never. I've never seen before in three and a half, four years. I've never seen it like this before. So, number one time up the amount of time you spent with your therapist. Second was the amount of time you spent reading books. So if you missed last week, go back and hit I hit five books that I've read. The amount that I've done over the past month. I'm on my second time through already the way of the superior man by David Davis phenomenal.
Speaker 1:The last thing is the time that you're spending in an active relationship. You're like Ken I thought you just said don't get in a relationship Not at all. If you've done the work and you've went through therapy. If you've done the work and you literally have worked on yourself, you've taken time, like as I have a blue block of time on my calendar every single day. That's Ken time. That's my quiet time, my worship time, my gym time, any podcast, any books that I'm reading that is my personal development time. It's where Ken goes to work on Ken and it's the very first thing I do every single day. If you look back through my Google calendar every appointment that I've had with Maxine, my local therapist, every appointment that I've had with Lauren Zoller, my online somatic therapist and a super good friend of mine who's even spoke at Create Twice If you go back and you look at those calendar blocks, they're blue because that's the counter block for me. That's my personal development. So applying what I'm sorry time with your therapist time reading books and then applying what you've learned because you've had time in an active relationship.
Speaker 1:Because once you've done the first two steps and you're working on yourself and you've knocked some of the massive chunks off your life and dealing with trauma and things you might not have even known as there, then it's time for you to be involved in an active relationship. Outside of that, guys, I'm going to tell you if you haven't been through therapy, if you haven't spent time reading books, really working on you, and you say well, ken, how do I know if I need to do that? Super easy. This is how you'll know if you've got unresolved trauma in your life. Number one if you react versus responding, if you go zero to a hundred, just like that, it is a sign that there's unresolved trauma in your life and in your heart. Second thing is if you do not know how to set and keep healthy boundaries. If you can't set and keep healthy boundaries, guys, it is a sign that you have trauma.
Speaker 1:Just even in my own life in the past few months, when I see somebody is crossing a boundary, let's say somebody is not committed in a relationship, or they're not sure, or they're just like I'm just not where you are. Great, I'm going to take a step back. But then if that individual I had one individual it's like, well, hey, can we go do the dinner or can you do this? I'm like no, no, no, no, my time is reserved. That type of time is reserved for someone that I'm in a committed relationship with and we're moving forward, really learning each other and trying to figure out okay, god, is this the person that you could have for me? Outside of that, I just don't give that time to just any person. So I had to set a boundary and go these are my boundaries. So, and then applying what you've learned in an active relationship time in an active relationship, because that active relationship is one that will knock the small things off. It's the fine tuning, it's the.
Speaker 1:Because I had this conversation and I talked a little bit about this in the last podcast. I had this conversation with somebody that I dated for a long time and because she asked me the question why is it the people that you're intimate with and that you're the closest with are the people you blow up on the most? Well, number one that's a sign that there's some unresolved trauma, because when we're intimate with somebody, we're close and we know somebody, that should be the last person in the world that we will react versus respond to, but it's not the case. So those are the three things that we talked about last week. Just because you're single for a long time doesn't mean you're healed. You have to put in the work. Okay, guys and ladies, I want to talk to you today and I want to. I want to.
Speaker 1:I'm going to preface this out of a conversation that I had with someone over the past year that I was dating for a while, and one of the things that I, that I asked in a committed, exclusive relationship, especially when it's long distance, is listen every day. I want us to touch base at the end of the day before I go to bed. A couple, two, three minutes doesn't have to be a long time, and I mentioned this on last podcast. And how are you doing? How was your day? Was it good? Where did you win? What sucked? How can I pray for you? Is there anything I can do to help you?
Speaker 1:I just want to connect, because we're not in a relationship. If you're in an exclusive relationship and you're in a relationship where you're focused on one partner and you're really trying to find out. Okay, god, is this the person that you have for me and you're learning each other? I think for me, and who I am as a man, that connection is a need. I need to connect if we're in that type of relationship. And the individual said to me they said you know I can't do that. And I looked at them and I said you can't or you won't. And, to that person's credit, they actually got back with me and they went wow, you're right. I got to thinking like that's not a huge ask, it's not a big ask. And so they actually, again to their credit, started to process and work through that. But for me, I'm like this is something I need and I'm not going to, I'm not going to waver on my needs or my boundaries when it comes to that, and if it's not something that you can meet, we may not be in alignment right now. Right now may not be the season for us to be in a relationship.
Speaker 1:So we she went her way, I went my way, which is exactly what I wanted to do. But one of the things that happened in a conversation with her was this she said well, ken, that's kind of needy, like you need me to call you, and I stopped her immediately and I said listen, make no mistake, I don't need you, I choose you. So if I'm not in a relationship a committed, exclusive relationship where I'm working towards really trying to figure out if this person is my partner and vice versa, if I'm working towards that, I want to make sure I connect with you on a daily basis, not like I'm dating several people and you're just some random person that I'm dating and I may get to know. We may have fun together and go out to dinner and do things together. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is an exclusive, committed relationship, where we literally are in a relationship to see whether or not we can be partners. And when she said she goes well, that's needy, like you need this, I mean I said no, no, no, no, no. Let me correct you I choose you, I don't need you because if I'm not in a relationship, it's not something I need, it's something I want from this level of a relationship. So a couple of things I want to talk to today and, man, I want to, I want to. I want to give you a quote from my friend Dolores. We were on a zoom call the other day and actually, dolores, I'm going to give you credit. So if you listen to my podcast, you got it. We were talking about something completely different, but I actually wrote this in my notes for today's podcast and she said this Ken, there are shortcuts, but there are no such thing as a magic wand. There are shortcuts, but there are no magic wands. Guys, my heart, when she said that I wrote down my heart is for this podcast to be a shortcut for you.
Speaker 1:I remember a year and a half ago when I started working with Lauren a lot like we were meeting almost every week, working through some somatic therapy and regulating my nervous system and talking about the four different attachment styles and you know the, the fight, flight, freezer, fawn and all the different things in in relationships. We started talking about this. Every relationship I had for probably a period of six months got quicker and quicker and quicker and quicker, as far as they didn't last long. Because I was more decided on what I want, I knew exactly what I was going after and because of the healing that I had walked through. Whenever I saw a red flag, I immediately stopped, asked questions and if I knew the red flag was an issue or it was some trauma or work on the other side and it wasn't something we were going to be in alignment or it wasn't repairable, then I immediately exited out of that relationship. So there are no shortcuts or there are shortcuts, there are no magic ones. So this is a shortcut for you.
Speaker 1:Number one all of you guys listening, men, women you need to move in your heart and in your mind from I need to I choose, move from I need to I choose. And if you sit around and you've got like anxious attachment, where you're processing through what's going on in the individual's life that you like, or you're reading into text messages, or you're daydreaming about this person, or you can't stay off a dating app and you've all constantly got to be with someone, let me tell you, right now you're in a need situation, not in a choose situation. So you need to move from I need to I choose. And again, that's one of the first times I've been able to really ever have that conversation. Now I was on the phone.
Speaker 1:My good friend Tracy dues today shout out Tracy dues and her podcast hydrate phenomenal. I was on the phone with Tracy and I kind of shared with her and she, you know she said Kim, I'm really proud of you for not only establishing boundaries but holding boundaries. If this is a need that you have in an exclusive relationship, you need to hold your boundaries. And if that individual can't reciprocate because of whatever is going on in their life or the season, or you're just not in alignment, then it's for what you did. She goes. Man, I just applaud you for sticking up for yourself. So, number one, move from I need to.
Speaker 1:I choose no-transcript. Be choosy, ha ha. Man, the type of women that you choose says more about you than it does her. Let me say that again. I'll let that sink in really, really quick. Guys, the type of woman that you choose says more about you as a man than it does her as a woman. So, guys, be choosy. Do you know exactly what it is you're going after? I think I mentioned this last week on the podcast.
Speaker 1:I was going out to dinner with a girl in Salt Lake City and she was like I love Jesus, I love Jesus, I love God. She just went on and on and on. I was with a friend of mine there was three of us there and her and I were kind of talking. I could tell she liked me, I could tell I kind of liked her, and so we got to talking and I was just talking about, hey, do you know what you want and what's your ideal partner look like? And when I talk about being choosy I mean you need to know what it is you want. I remember when Lauren walked me through this probably a year ago, maybe a little bit over a year ago, she walked me through this exercise.
Speaker 1:I literally have about eight paragraphs of what my ideal partner looks like and it begins with Proverbs 31. For those of you guys that may not be a person of faith or you're new in your faith, proverbs 31 is a proverb that describes what I would consider Nate. What's why we call it a Proverbs 31 woman, the ideal woman. Like man, if you're going to have a partner and a wife and someone to spend the rest of your life with, you want her to be a Proverbs 31 woman. So I opened my phone up and I scrolled to my. I have a journal, online journal that I do in Google Docs and it's just entitled life, and it's got all this stuff in it for the past four or five years and I opened at the very beginning and it has those eight, seven, eight, nine paragraphs of my ideal partner and I started reading about a Proverbs 31 woman and she looked at me and she goes what's a Proverbs 31 woman? Well, immediately I knew, okay, this isn't the girl for me. It's like, immediately like if you, if you say you love Jesus, yet you don't know what a Proverbs 31 woman is, you're either new to your faith or you're just. You're just not a very mature believer. And I'm not looking for someone who's not a mature believer. I'm looking for somebody that understands what it what it looks like to be not just a Christ follower but also be a Proverbs 31 woman. So, guys be choosy, women be choosy.
Speaker 1:I have listened to I mentioned this last week four books in the last three months. Two books I've listened to twice all the way through 3% man, the way of the superior man, by David data no more Mr Nice guy. And what's the other one? The masculine in relationship, by DH Sean blood. Two of them I'll listen to twice already. And it talks about one of the books, talks about the psychology of women and why they choose bad guys. Let me let that sit with you for just a minute Women and why they choose bad guys, and there is a subconscious psychology that goes with that that when I heard that I think it's in 3% man blew my mind. I was like, oh my gosh, that's why that happens. So, move from the need, move from I need to. I choose. That's number one. Number two freaking.
Speaker 1:Be choosy, be like don't settle, don't settle and listen. Don't settle for what you're looking for, but also don't settle for where you are. Man, that's good. I'm gonna say that again Don't settle for what you're looking for, but also don't settle for where you are. Guys, listen, I am literally the most healed version I have ever been in 55 years. I had a therapy appointment last week. I got a therapy appointment, I think on the fourth to the fifth as soon as I know, before I go to. Actually, when I get back from Costa Rica, seventh to eighth night, something like that. I mean I schedule one to two therapy appointments every single month here locally with Maxine when I'm in town. Like don't settle for the partner you want and don't settle for the version that you are. Again, men, women, stop looking for Mr or Mrs Right and worry about becoming Mr or Mrs Right Again.
Speaker 1:The scripture in Proverbs. It says a man that finds a wife finds a good thing. It doesn't say find a girlfriend. It doesn't say find somebody to have a one night stand. It says find a wife. So when you enter in, when I enter into a relationship, I am so crystal clear, upfront. Listen, I am super intentional in what I'm doing. I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I'm not looking for somebody to come play house with me. I'm not looking for somebody to come sleep with me. I'm not looking to come to your house. I'm not looking to go on vacation together. I am looking for a wife.
Speaker 1:I want a partner and I am very specific in what I want. I want her to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I want her to want to go and get up and go to the gym with me. There's been a couple of girls that have been like, ah, could I date her? Yeah, but they want to sleep till nine or 10 o'clock. I don't do that. I'm up at 4am every morning and I'm not saying listen, if you date me, you gotta get up at 4. I'll negotiate a little bit, but I want to go to the gym with my partner. I like to come home and make breakfast together. I want to do this, I want to build this together, like there's some specific things that I want.
Speaker 1:So be choosy guys. What you, who you choose, says more about you than it does her, and again, worry about becoming Mr and Mrs Right, not finding Mr and Mrs Right. The more you work on you, the more you're going to and the better say this. The more you work on you, the better the individuals, the partners, the men or the women that you're going to attract. Just had a long conversation today with with a super good friend of mine who's walking through the.
Speaker 1:I thought I was ready for relationships. Now I'm really not sure if I'm ready for relationships, but they're doing the work and that's what counts is are you doing the work? It's funny because they said the same thing to me that I said to my therapist almost two years ago when I found out I had been living with trauma for 40 years, when my therapist, maxine, looked at me and she said, ken, how do you think I went to 12 different schools? I went to 12 different schools. I went to six different high schools. I moved back and forth from my moms in Georgia to my dad's right outside of Detroit six different times, from sixth grade to my senior year of high school. Every time I got in trouble, my mom would say go, pack a bag. I had 24 to 48 hours, I was on a bus, a plane and my dad was on the way to pick me up. Guys. Six times, from 12 years old to 18 years old, anytime I got in trouble, my mom, I was gone. I was not good enough to be able to live in my home. As a matter of fact, I've never talked about this publicly and I'm going to share this right now. I just shared this on a phone call with a friend earlier today.
Speaker 1:I'll never forget sharing with Maxine because when she asked me that she goes, how do you think that's affected your relationship with the women in your life who are supposed to love and protect you? Ah-ha moment, light bulb moment. I began to weep. I was like, oh my gosh, I've been dealing with this for 40 years and had no idea it was there.
Speaker 1:I looked at Maxine and I said I wore as a badge of honor. Listen, I went to 12 schools in 12 years, six different high schools. I moved six different times from Georgia to Michigan. You can put me anywhere in the world. I went in the Air Force right after I graduated, biloxi, mississippi, to Omaha to offer the Air Force Base, where I spent three and a half years. You can put me anywhere in the world and I will make friends with anybody, doesn't matter where you put me, and it is a skill. It is a skill that I wouldn't. I don't know if I wouldn't have it at the level I have, but it is a skill that I honed and worked on for years because of the trauma. And here's what I said. I said, man, I've worn that as a badge of honor. And Maxine looked at me and she said, ken, you thought you wore it as a badge of honor, but it was your subconscious way of hiding the trauma, because the pain that you were gonna have to go through to deal with that trauma and get healed from that trauma would be extensive. And Gabby Bernstein talks about that in her book Happy Days. The subconscious will hide things and lie to you to keep you from having to go through the pain of dealing with that trauma. Because, guys, the reality of it is, it's painful.
Speaker 1:I was on the call with a friend of mine today and they were like man, this is what happened Literally broke down Like. This is what happened. And when they said I'm just an F'd up or I'm whatever the word they use, I said no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop, stop. And I literally made them while I was on the FaceTime. Look at me in the eye. You are not. That's not who you are. You are a human being who went through trauma as a kid and in a relationship.
Speaker 1:Again, this is not your fault. But once you realize that the trauma is there and it's still actively causing you to react versus respond, not set and keep healthy boundaries having anxious attachment or avoidant, avoiding attachment or fight, flight, freeze or fall on any of the responses to trauma then you have an obligation to deal with that trauma. So move from. I need to. I choose be choosy. And then you got to understand trauma, which is what we're talking about right now, and I put this on my Instagram story the other day and I did this and I'm just going to read it. I can't tell you how many times each of my therapists three different therapists over the last couple of years have told me can. What happened to you and how you've been reacting to your trauma is not your fault. So if you're listening to me today or you're watching this Instagram reel or you're watching this video on one of my social media challenges your trauma and the way you've reacted to your trauma and the behavior from your trauma is not your fault. But, however, now that you know that there is trauma, it is your responsibility to deal with it and that's the process. So, guys, quick coverage.
Speaker 1:Hey, ladies, don't tell me how long you've been single. Tell me how long you've been with your therapist. There are three things that you can do length of time with your therapist. Length of time working on you. What books are you reading? Who are you having conversations with? Are you having conversations with friends that have healthy relationships?
Speaker 1:Don't go to dudes, guys listen. Don't go to the guy that's sleeping with. You know 30, 40 different women in a year I got for that's what they do. I don't want your advice on how to have a relationship. Are you kidding me? I want it from somebody who's healthy. I want it from somebody who understands committed, healthy partnership. Ladies, don't go to somebody who continuously goes after and again had this conversation with another friend in the last couple of days. Their friend keeps going out with the ladies. Finish it with me wrong guy every time.
Speaker 1:Listen, it's not the wrong guy, that's the issue it's. And it goes right back into this go from I need to I choose, and then be choosy Like you don't have to settle, ladies, don't freaking settle. It's funny because I see all the quotes from the ladies out there on the dating sites and on a lot of my friends who are some of the top relationship therapist and somatic therapist and counselors on Instagram and you see the ladies oh, there's no real guys out there. And I'm like, oh, there's no real ladies out there and I got like relationships are difficult, they're hard. So, understand, you have time with therapist, time with yourself and then time in a relationship where you are committed to your partner, not to point out stuff in their life, but to say, hey, I want to become the best version of myself, help me, and you have to be in agreement with that and when you do that, it can be one of the most beautiful things on the planet. Then I promise you it will help you become the best version of yourself.
Speaker 1:So, guys, hope you've enjoyed dating 911 part one and dating 911 part two. If this podcast has added value, do me a favor. Click that subscribe button, leave us a five star review and, as always, snap a screenshot, share it on Instagram and I'll give you a little plug on mine. Love you guys, enjoy this new year. I cannot wait to come back. We've got some amazing things coming up, including Create Conference in Atlanta March the 14th, 15th and 16th. Have a good one. See you next time. On as the Leader Grows.