Embark on a transformative journey as I, Ken Joslin, reveal the subtle yet profound signals that guide the ebb and flow of our personal relationships. Imagine a world where every mistake is a stepping stone to greater understanding, and communication is the bridge that leads to unwavering trust and respect. In "Red Light, Green Light," our latest series, we unpack the intimate dance of partnership dynamics, offering you the tools to discern when to pause for reflection or accelerate towards deeper connection. Through my own experiences and those shared by others, we'll uncover the myriad ways in which embracing imperfection can fuel the evolution of a relationship.
The art of conversation within the tapestry of love and commitment can be as complex as it is rewarding. As we navigate the intricate pathways of expressing emotions and admitting faults, I'll regale you with a tale of a couple's pivotal moment of clarity during a simple Zoom call—a moment that illuminated the power of vulnerability and genuine dialogue. This episode is a heartfelt testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of love, offering a beacon of hope for anyone seeking to enhance the fabric of their most cherished bonds. Discover the wisdom that lies in the shared stories of renewal, as we strive to build relationships that not only endure but flourish with every challenge overcome.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it on social media and tag Ken Joslin.
Embark on a transformative journey as I, Ken Joslin, reveal the subtle yet profound signals that guide the ebb and flow of our personal relationships. Imagine a world where every mistake is a stepping stone to greater understanding, and communication is the bridge that leads to unwavering trust and respect. In "Red Light, Green Light," our latest series, we unpack the intimate dance of partnership dynamics, offering you the tools to discern when to pause for reflection or accelerate towards deeper connection. Through my own experiences and those shared by others, we'll uncover the myriad ways in which embracing imperfection can fuel the evolution of a relationship.
The art of conversation within the tapestry of love and commitment can be as complex as it is rewarding. As we navigate the intricate pathways of expressing emotions and admitting faults, I'll regale you with a tale of a couple's pivotal moment of clarity during a simple Zoom call—a moment that illuminated the power of vulnerability and genuine dialogue. This episode is a heartfelt testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of love, offering a beacon of hope for anyone seeking to enhance the fabric of their most cherished bonds. Discover the wisdom that lies in the shared stories of renewal, as we strive to build relationships that not only endure but flourish with every challenge overcome.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it on social media and tag Ken Joslin.
Hey guys, good morning. Welcome to another episode of as the Leader Grows. I am your host, ken Jocelyn, and I'm super excited to be able to come to you today to start this brand new I guess series on relationships entitled Red Light, green Light, red Light, green Light. Shout out to my good friend for the, for the title recommendation. Appreciate the help. Red Light, green Light.
Speaker 1:I'm sure you're a kid and you're in the playground and you're playing that game called Red Light, green Light. You're like Red Light, green Light, and then when it's Green Light, you could run. As soon as they said Red Light, you had to stop. And then we do it real fast Red Light, green Light, red Light. You know, you know the game.
Speaker 1:The thing that I've learned in relationships is there are always red lights and green lights. Some people call them red flags, some people call them green vise. Whatever, I like red light, green light a lot better. There are things that there are indications that tell you when to slow down and there are indications that tell you when to speed up, and so I want to talk about this over the next couple of two or three weeks and I want to. I want to jump first into relationships and I shared this with our GSD community and Collective last night on our call and listen, if you're not a part of a faith based entrepreneur community, I'm telling you there is nothing like what we have on the planet Every Wednesday night gathering with several dozen entrepreneurs who are literally on the journey of becoming the best version of themselves in their faith, health, relationships, business and finances. And last night we talked about relationships. I've had this month of February on our calls. On Wednesday night I've had all of our entrepreneurs show up with their spouses or their girlfriends, boyfriends, partners, whatever you want to call. And so last night I talked about three, three truths about relationships that I want to share with you this morning that I think are super important for us to be able to grab. So if you've got a pen and some paper, listen, write this down. If you're driving down the road, don't attempt to do this. That's only done by a professional to be able to drive and write down. But here's a couple of truths I want to share with you about relationships. Number one is that transformation takes time. Transformation takes time, like if you're in a relationship, if you're in a dating relationship, or you're in a marriage, or you're in a friendship relationship and you want to become the best version of yourself, then that transformation takes time.
Speaker 1:Was on the phone this week with a really good friend of mine, dr Morgan Anderson, about a relationship that I had been in and I'm just like sharing some things with her about this and, hey, this happened. And then this happened and this is my reaction and I'm just walking through with her trying to find a sense of, I guess, normalcy. Or is it okay to meet it, for me to think this way? Is it okay for me to really draw these parameters or boundaries? Is it okay to voice my needs? Is it okay for me to ask hey, what are your needs? Just all kinds of things. And one of the things that she said in there was can, where you're at is completely normal.
Speaker 1:And then she said understand that relationships are work and transformation takes time. So if you're in a relationship understand Now, I don't care if it's a marriage with a spouse or with a partner understand that transformation takes time. You're not literally going to walk through a relationship and every day is sunshine and roses and there's rainbows at every corner. Listen, I had a friend of mine say to me listen, ken, you've dated. Some unicorns but not all unicorns have that perfectly pink or purple spiral around their home. Some of them still are in process. Listen, all of us are in process. Transformation takes time. It takes time for you to become the man or the woman that God desires for you to become so that you can take that relationship to the next level.
Speaker 1:And here's the deal. There's a couple of things on transformation takes time I want to share. Number one is this You're going to make mistakes. You're going to make mistakes in relationships. It's inevitable. The why because you're human. I used to say almost every Sunday when I pastored my church in the Atlanta area, I would say this thing. I would say when you sin or you do something wrong, it doesn't prove that you're bad, it simply proves that you're human, which is all the more why Jesus came and sacrificed his life for us so that we could be forgiven, healed and whole and live a life of purpose and influence. So number one transformation takes time. Under transformation takes time is this Do not and I want you to write this down do not waste your mistakes. Do not waste your mistakes.
Speaker 1:A lot of us in relationships, when we make a mistake in relationship, or our partner or our spouse makes a relationship, says something that they shouldn't say, hurts our feeling, ignores us, doesn't for all you ladies? When you say, hey, can you pick up some OJ and a loaf of bread on the way home, your husband says I got you. And then he gets home and he completely forgot what he was supposed to do. There's every time you have a mistake in a relationship. It's an opportunity for you to use that mistake to springboard forward in your relationship. Okay, ken, what do you mean? I'm a little confused. When we understand that transformation takes time and that we don't waste mistakes, mistakes are the best learning tools you can have in your relationship and here's one way you don't waste a mistake.
Speaker 1:When you make a mistake in a relationship and you hurt your partner or you hurt your spouse, the number one thing that you can do is to own that mistake as quickly as possible. It literally is to own that mistake as quickly as possible. Last night on our call we had again husbands and wives and I had a wife who was home in her office and a husband who was still at work and she was sharing some of the things about her husband and the majority of the time. It's easy, especially when you're a high performing entrepreneur and you really do want to become the best version of yourself. It's not hard for you to own your mistakes. It's not hard for you to look in the eye of your partner and say, babe, listen, I said this this morning or I said this this afternoon. I'm really sorry that I said that. And if I hurt your heart in any way, I hope you forgive me. And then let them communicate back to you what they're hearing you say. And then for me, I always love to say, hey, would it be okay if I prayed for you? Would it be okay if I just took some time and prayed over you real quick? When you do that in a relationship because there was a mistake, there was a breach, there was a fracture and there was some pain or some hurt involved from you to your partner or, in reverse, your partner to you, anytime you can go to them and you don't waste that mistake and you own what you did and you own it quickly. I'm telling you it's a game changer. It's a game changer in your relationship. Now, a lot of times we don't want to own it because we have a fear that if we own that mistake. It really it almost eliminates some of our worth.
Speaker 1:So last night we're on a call. It was a phenomenal call with our community and I had again one couple that was there. I had several couples that are, that are on the call and they're actually on the same screen at home together. A couple of the wives are like nah, I'm not going to be on screen tonight, I'm just going to sit off screen so that you can see the husbands keep looking back and forth at their wife as we're doing this call. But the one couple she said. The one thing she said was is we're walking through the conversation geared around this concept of transformation takes time and not wasting mistakes said it bothers me sometimes because my husband it's hard for him to own when he makes a mistake. And now I know the husband, I know the couple really well, so it gave me an opportunity to really pastor and speak into their relationship. And here's and I said this to the whole the group as a whole, because he's a lot like I am in that every room he goes in he wants to help as many people have a great time and feel comfortable and enjoy the moment or whatever it is you're doing as possible. So when you hurt somebody or you, when you have that type of personality and that type of gift to be able to make everybody in the room.
Speaker 1:I call it thermostats versus thermometers. So a person who's a thermometer walks into a room or a group of people and all they do is just gauge and they can tell you what the temperature of the room is. But there are some individuals who I call thermostats. They walk into a room and they have the ability to change the temperature to whatever they want to, whenever they want to.
Speaker 1:I was on a call yesterday. I'll give you an example. I was on a call yesterday with my team in Miami on a Zoom call, and they literally looked at me. This is in the afternoon. They looked at me and they went dude, where do you get all of this energy? And I'm like dude, I love people. I'm super stoked about what I get to do. Like it fires me up to even get on a podcast and talk to you about how transformation takes time. Like I get excited about this because I know this information taking into your life and into your heart and then lived out an action taken with this information will lead to transformation, like it'll change your life if you do these things. So we're having the conversation and I said could it be that? And I asked this question. And listen, if you ever want to get a point across, don't make a statement, ask a question. And I asked this question. I said I said, alejandro, let me ask you this Is your husband, when he goes into an environment and it's new, or he meets all of his friends, does he really have a desire for everyone else to enjoy the evening or enjoy the company or enjoy whatever gathering that you're in, and he makes it his like duty or obligation or purpose or call whatever you want to call it to make sure everybody else has a great time?
Speaker 1:And she smiles, she goes yes, that's exactly what he does. And you've only been with my husband a few times Now. We go zoom every week together. But she goes yeah, that's exactly who he is. And I said so. Let me ask you this Could it be that when your husband gets an environment like that and he can't help people or encourage people or steer them into having a good time, then it doesn't make him feel fulfilled or that his purpose is coming to pass? And she was like yeah, I can see that and I said so.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you this question Could it be with the one person that he loves more than anybody else on the planet, when he lets her down, that it makes him feel so bad about himself and that he's literally not only not walking according to his purpose, but he's actually going in the opposite direction? Do you think it makes him feel so bad that he doesn't know how to apologize, because internally he's dealing with guilt and some shame and, man, it was like a light bulb went off. I literally could see her whole count in exchange and she was like yeah, and I said, okay, let me have a conversation with you real quick, in front of several dozen people, on our call on how you can help him, because some of you guys are married to a woman that's that way. Some of you guys are married to a guy that's that way. Or you're in a relationship with one of those type of people. And I said, if you sat down with him and you said to him hey, honey, earlier today, you said fill in the blank.
Speaker 1:And when you said that, this is how it made me feel and I want you to know I love you very, very much. I know that probably wasn't even your intention to do that, but this is how it made me feel and it would mean the world to me for us to have a conversation wrapped around that and for you to own that so we can move forward. And she just, I saw his face and I saw her face. They were on two different sides of my Zoom screen last night and I saw his face and I saw her face and I saw her go. She just softened it and she was like yes, and then she said, yeah, he always gets frustrated with me because I keep bringing things up from the past. Well, now it's my opportunity to talk, even dig deeper into. Don't waste a mistake, and transformation takes time.
Speaker 1:So I dug into it and I said and also, could it be that he knows when he makes a mistake and he does something that hurts your heart? Number one, it makes him feel terrible, like it crushes him as a man, because he's hurt the one woman that he loves more than anybody on the planet. So you're dealing with it. You know you're dealing with that. And could it be, when you bring up things in the past, not to dig up old feelings but just to say hey, there's a pattern here where when you make a mistake or you hurt me, you don't own it. Could it be that, if we could and listen, guys, one of you are going, or both of you are going to have to take the first step as a woman, just like in love and respect. You can't wait for him to love you, to respect him. Men, you can't wait for her to respect you, for you to love her. Somebody's going to have to take the first step. And you know what I'm going to be the bigger person in the relationship. And when you get two people that do that, watch out world, because I'm telling you, you will turn your relationship into one that when you're in a room together, people around look and they're like I want that. That's the kind of relationship that I desire. Listen, when you're in a room.
Speaker 1:I was in a room last week in Indy NBA All-Star dinner. My good friend, dave Meltzer, dominique Wilkins, was there. I got to reconnect with Dominique, met a world peace. It was an amazing room stacked with unbelievable entrepreneurs. And when you're in a room like that and you see a couple and you're like I love that energy. You recognize that energy. Well, that energy just doesn't come for who they are as human beings. It comes from the work that they do inside their relationship. It comes from the trust level. It comes from the encouragement they give each other so that when they show up in a public space, people look and go. I want that Like when they see a relationship that's like, oh my gosh, this is really possible. That's what I want. And so I walked her through the kind of the how to or the framework on how to have a conversation and literally by the end of our hour, hour and 15 minute call, her countenance was completely different. And then when I went back through the call and said, okay, guys, what's your takeaway from tonight's call? And I got her takeaway and I got his takeaway. I promise you their marriage will never be the same. So transformation takes time.
Speaker 1:Do not waste a mistake and the one of the ways you can not waste a mistake is by owning. It Is by owning your mistake and the language geared around that. If your partner sometimes listen, I'm a guy, I've said this several times in the last 25 or 30 years Listen, I'm a dude, we're not that smart sometimes If I say something and I hurt your heart and I don't recognize it. Please come talk to me, because when you share that with me, I promise you it's gonna hurt me, it's gonna crush me, that I know that I hurt your heart and I didn't mean to. Or if I said something to you and I was being sharp and I understood if I do that, normally I will circle back very quick and go hey, I'm really sorry I said that to you this morning. I'm really sorry I said that to you earlier. I shouldn't have done that and if I hurt your heart in any way, will you please forgive me and then move forward. But if your partner doesn't recognize it, just go to them and say hey, ken, you said this earlier and when you said it, this is how that made me feel. Now, let me follow that up with this, and I'm gonna close this really quick because we're running out of time. Let me follow that up with this.
Speaker 1:When your partner comes to you and says hey, when you said this, this is how it made me feel. You cannot dismiss them. You can't say well, I didn't mean it that way, so you shouldn't feel that way. Well, when this happened, I didn't mean to hurt your heart. That wasn't my intent. That wasn't even what that wasn't. There was nowhere in me for you to feel that way.
Speaker 1:Because if you say that to them in a certain way, what you're doing is you're trying to invalidate the way that they feel, and you can't invalidate the way they feel. The way they feel is the way they feel, and the right way, the healthy way, the secure way to be able to handle that conversation is hey, baby, you know what? I'm really sorry that I made you feel that way. It was not my intent. I was joking, or I did this, or you know, when I said it, I really didn't mean for you to take that, take it that way. I meant for you to take it this way. But you know what, baby, if I hurt your heart with that and apparently I have, because that's what you brought up I'm really sorry. I really didn't mean to do that. Will you forgive me? I'm telling you if you will learn those words hey, babe, I'm really sorry that I hurt your heart, will you forgive me? When you do that in, your spouse or your partner looks at you and goes yeah, yeah, I'll forgive you. And as a person of faith, guys, we don't have an option. We literally do not have an option. We are called to forgive. Why? Because we too have been forgiven.
Speaker 1:Guys, thank you for joining me today on as the Leader Grows first week of Red Light Green Light. So a green light is understanding that transformation takes time. And then, in transformation, we understand there's a process to transformation. Part of that process is owning your mistake. Do not waste a mistake. Don't waste it. It's a great time, great opportunity for you to be able to grow. And, as always, guys, if this is added value, do me a favor, hit that subscribe button and share. If you're listening to this on your phone, screenshot it, share it. Tag me at Ken Jocelyn on Instagram and I would love to reshare that and give you some love with my audience. Guys, I love you. Guys, can I wait to see you next week back on Coaching with Ken, part 2 of Red Light Green Light. We'll see you there.