As The Leader Grows with Ken Joslin

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick | Transforming Your Perspective on Relationships

• Ken Joslin

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Get ready for a deep dive into the world of relationships with our special guest, Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick from Evolve Counseling. As a single relationship expert, she brings a unique perspective, helping us dissect the challenges faced by entrepreneurs who are crushing it in their professional lives but struggling with relationships. Prepare to uncover the deep-seated fears, programming, and the innate need for acceptance and belonging that shape our quest for love.

In an illuminating exchange, Dr. Fedrick and I expose toxic behaviors that often lurk in relationships. We navigate the murky waters of gaslighting, manipulation, and bread-crumbing, sharing strategies to disarm situations and create a safe space for dialogue. Dr. Fedrick shares valuable insights into the art of expressing our needs, handling difficult conversations, and using 'I statements' without coming off critical or accusatory.

Wrapping up our enlightening discourse, we delve into the pivotal role of healthy communication in relationships. Dr. Fedrick emphasizes the importance of protecting our partner's hearts and using appropriate language. Learn how implementing weekly check-ins and daily connection rituals can fortify your bond. As we conclude, we explore the journey of finding the right partner, setting healthy boundaries, and the role of self-awareness and emotional regulation in fostering a fulfilling relationship. Tune in to this insightful episode and revolutionize your perspective on relationships.

Welcome to the ATLG podcast I am your host Ken Joslin, former pastor turned coach & host of CREATE, the #1 Faith-based Entrepreneur conference in America. My mission is to help faith-based entrepreneurs become the best version of themselves by growing in our Core 5: Faith, Health, Relationships, Business & Finances. You can get more information as well as join our FREE Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/676347099851525

If you enjoyed the podcast, come join our FREE GSD Community of hundreds of entrepreneurs & a ton of FREE Content including CREATE Conference recordings with Ken, John Maxwell, Gary Brecka, Ed Mylett & more. growstackdrive.com/free

Speaker 1:

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of as A Leader Grows Podcast. I am your host, denjocelyn, and if you followed this podcast at all over the past year, you know how important therapy becoming the best version of yourself, our core five faith, health, relationship, business and finance how important that is to me. I have got one of my favorite therapists that I follow. I told her. I told her I'm pre talking to somebody. I promise I'm not stalking you, I just love your stuff. Dr Elizabeth Frederick from Evolve Counseling in Scottsdale, arizona, listen, welcome to the show this morning.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, ken. I appreciate it. I'm happy to be here. Yeah, we've been connected on Instagram for quite some time and, yeah, your engagement is very clear, that it resonates with you and I appreciate that. That's why I do what I do. I want to know it's resonating, so I don't feel stalked at all. I feel appreciated. So thank you.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I've got you and Jillian and a few other friends out there and I'm like, I promise guys, I'm not stalking you.

Speaker 1:

I'm so good, I'm sharing it. I literally people are asking me all the time if somebody that does what I do. They're like you share other people's stuff more than you share your own. And I'm like, listen, when I see something that resonates with me and I'm like, yes, because again, I shared all fair a little bit. Those of you guys that listen to this podcast, you know my story. And when I see something that resonates, I'm like, yes, this information is so good it needs to get out to everybody.

Speaker 1:

Let's talk about you. Talk a lot about intimacy, attachment, relationship, toxic relationships. Let's talk about relationships. We've got a lot of people that are in relationships that listen to this podcast and we've got a lot of people that are single that listen to this podcast and the majority of them are very driven entrepreneurs who are not just about business and finances but really are core five the faith, health, relationship, business and finance and become the best version of yourself in those core five areas. Talk to us about a single entrepreneur who is looking for a relationship. You're smiling already before.

Speaker 2:

I'm like, are we talking about me now? Like, is this you like? Putting me out there? By the way, she's single guys.

Speaker 1:

So there we go.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Um, that that is one of the you know there's a couple pieces of irony that I am so single doing the work that I do and the other piece of that which I hear a lot of entrepreneurs you know, you and I can relate to this being high, achieving in so many areas, but struggling relationally and I get that question a lot of like I do so well or can be so driven or so smart, ambitious in certain areas, but why are relationships so hard?

Speaker 2:

And relationships are so hard because, first of all, the template that we're given, which is a lot of what I talk about with relationship programming. For a lot of us, the template was not so great. We did not have the love, affection, attention, nurturance that we needed to thrive, and we also did not have that role modeled. And so the other piece of it that makes them so hard is relationship send us into a threat state in the way that nothing else does, Because as humans, we are designed literally designed at our core for connection, and so when the thing we crave the most is feeling accepted and belonging, and the biggest thing we fear is rejection and abandonment, that is relationships, and that is hard.

Speaker 1:

So how do you process through that with you? I didn't know. You're single. How do you? How do you process through that? I mean, you're single and this is what you do. It's like being a mechanic and driving a broken car, I guess from the outside Not quite. I mean, how do you, how do you, how do you? I mean, this has got to be hard for you because you are high-achieving. You do know exactly what you're looking for, so how do you process through?

Speaker 2:

that, you know, I think that's part of it is that I do know exactly what I'm looking for. So maybe it's like a mechanic who's not going to settle for the broken car, right, so they're going to keep working until they can afford the one that they want. I've been divorced, yes, for going on four years. My ex-husband is my absolute best friend in the world. We have a wonderful relationship. We have a teenage son together and in that sense I can say I don't suck at relationships. So that's not what's going on because, you know, my ex-husband is one of the closest people to me.

Speaker 2:

But I struggle, in the same way that a lot of people do, with my template, with my programming. You know, the way that I was raised was role-modeled. The toxic dynamic is what all I knew and that didn't hit me until a therapist kind of said, like probably in my mid-20s, like hey, by the way, maybe your upbringing wasn't as great as you're thinking it was, and that since then, you know, has really set things in motion for me. So I would say that the single part is because halfway, because I'm very selective, because I want somebody emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent, who can meet my needs and I'm not going to settle for less. And then the other half of it is that I'm still reprogramming too, and I still have healing to do.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, walk me through the process. When you talk about you know you again doing what you do and the information you put out. You know the how do you? How do you? What does the process look like to you? I mean, it's when you are where you are and I was single for a you know a lot of the last two and a half years it's hard to find somebody's like. You just need to find somebody in Birmingham. I'm, like I live in Birmingham. Like do you understand what you're saying? I got travel all across the country Atlanta, miami and Scottsdale and LA and I mean, like Birmingham, like is there somebody that exists in Birmingham, alabama, that fits literally what I'm looking for?

Speaker 1:

I mean one of my parts of my therapy with Lauren, who mentioned off air, I literally have got up it's about eight paragraphs of what my ideal partner looks like, exactly what she looks like. So how do you process through? Let's just jump into it. We're going to interview you. Sure, like what is that? What's the dating pool look like for you? How do you assess? Yes, I want to go out on a date with this guy. No, I don't want to date. What do first conversations look like with somebody like you on a date when you know exactly what you're looking for.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, which, yes, I can be probably pretty intimidating. I often don't even make it to that the first date because, again, how busy I am, how many businesses I'm running, everything I'm doing, I am very even selective in how I use my time. So I'm going to gauge just by interaction and whether it's texting or phone calls, things like that, of what does the emotional maturity look like? But even beyond that, what does their self-awareness look like? That is one of the biggest things missing for a lot of people is knowing how are you showing up, how are you presenting yourself, and even knowing what you and I talked about prior to recording how our past is really influencing where we're at present day. And so I kind of just gained some insights around.

Speaker 2:

How are they able to hold conversation, what is their ability to validate, to reflect back to? And not that I need somebody to be perfect in those ways. I'm happy to I don't want to say teach, but I'm happy to enlighten somebody on those things. You know what I mean If they seem like they're wanting to know that. But I have to know that you want to grow and that you have a desire to do that. So I would say the dating is very limited for me because of that, and, yeah, I hope for that to be different. When you're talking, though, about your page, I really caution a lot of my clients against that, so just-.

Speaker 1:

Let's just take progress. I mean I've got some stuff out of Prover 31.

Speaker 2:

Oh, okay, Some things that I'm looking for as far as Are they like a? Points that are just like-.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, like once to be an entrepreneur. Like she's entrepreneurial, she loves to work out, she loves to go to the gym with me, she loves to laugh, she loves to sing, even if she can't. Like there are some. We love to cook in the kitchen together. Like there are just some things on there that I'm like, yes, like this is what I'm looking for. Like I want somebody to do life with. I don't have to be around you all the time, but I want somebody to get up in the morning with and go okay, we got a five EMF, 45 class or six EMF. I'm gonna ask those to make your coffee and go get ready and I'll get everything done.

Speaker 1:

Like those are some of the things for me that it is. You know, at 55 now it's not, it's companionship and let's grow together and literally we should be in a position to where we're helping each other become the best version of ourselves.

Speaker 2:

Totally agree, and at 38, that's exactly what I want. That is, you know that I don't. It's not. I have a post that talks about, like your physical appearance is the least interesting thing about you, like, these are all the things that I want to know, and a big part of that is what you're describing. I want partnership, I want companionship, I want somebody who's on the same page with a desire to grow. What I was going to say about that, though, is, like I talk a lot about the you know five needs, five wants and five boundaries, which really summarizes what you're describing. I think what's going on for a lot of a single people are a lot of just people in the, even if they're in relationships. We get in that grasses greener mindset, and we are on the quest for the unicorn, and the unicorn does not exist, my friends, but really good people with good hearts who want to show up better. That does exist, and that's what I'm looking for.

Speaker 1:

But don't you? Yeah, and so for me, don't you think it's just like you don't have to be perfect, even in the areas that I've listened for myself, you don't have to be perfect, but just the will and the want to and the desire. When you say, hey, babe, when you said this, this hurt my heart and this is how it made me feel. Oh, you know what? Hey, I'm really sorry. Tell me about that, needing that to go both ways. So what do you do if you are in a relationship you just mentioned? Some people are grasser. Grass is not greener and it's never greener on the other side, right? What do you say to some of those people that are in a relationship, that are like on the fence? Like, do I say? Do I not say, what are some of the things? There's an intersweep someone not meeting your needs or not being who you need them to be, and somebody being toxic.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. Can you speak to?

Speaker 1:

that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and thank you for clarifying that, because we want to lump everybody into toxic and narcissism and all of those things, and that's not the case at all. Some people just don't know. They literally lack the knowledge, they lack the skills. So I have an assessment that I do with whether an individual or a couple if they're kind of on the fence about should I say or should I go, which is a very common question but what I also help them dig into is really along the lines of what you're suggesting, that does that person have a desire to change? Are they demonstrating efforts towards change? So, if they meet most of your or all of your needs, like your primary needs, but maybe they aren't showing up perfect in those ways, but they're trying and you can see that they're trying, and when you give them feedback, they're like, babe, I'm so sorry, like that's, you're right, I see exactly what you're saying.

Speaker 2:

I'm going to work on that. Not I'm going to try. Okay, I'll see if I can do better, but like I am going to work on that. That's one of the biggest things to me I talked to. You know, when I'm working with couples, I'll tell them that I'll say you guys, like you, both have a desire to change. Like that is a hard thing to find a partner who actually wants to make change. Try to roll with that before you just throw in the towel, because there's not a lot.

Speaker 1:

So should that be your headline on Luxe and Bumble Looking for a partner who's willing to change.

Speaker 2:

I have on there on my bio I say emotionally intelligent, you know personal growth. Yeah, do you think they?

Speaker 1:

understand what? I guess if they, if they, if they could, they understand what emotions? Okay, they don't even read, they don't even read it.

Speaker 2:

They'll be like so do you want to have more kids? But literally my second line is I'm not having more kids. No, nobody's even reading it.

Speaker 1:

So that's crazy.

Speaker 2:

It is.

Speaker 1:

It's so crazy. So give us talk about. Talk about some toxic behaviors. Like we, I think we understand the difference between somebody who's trying and really wants to do it, and I really feel like when you're connected and you love somebody and you've got a partner and they are trying to change man, there's just a, there's just a special grace and mercy for that kind of relationship, where you're just like, yes, like we can do this together kind of thing. But talk about some of the toxic things that happen or that you've seen in relationships.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'm putting the disclaimer on that. Even that we all have toxic, like toxic behaviors in our relationships. So even if we are not narcissistic, even if we aren't malicious, we still all show up in a toxic way from time to time. So some of those would be gaslighting as one of the biggest buzzwords. That's when we are trying to get someone to question the reality, where basically it's a crazy making behavior is what we would call it. So somebody's expressing, maybe, how they even feel about something and we're like no, you don't, you don't feel that way. Manipulation very common, which ties in with gaslighting, basically just trying to get someone to shift their perspective, or like trying to control somebody's perspective. Bread crumbing, are you familiar with that?

Speaker 1:

So basically that's a new one, so you have to be acting up. Okay, so, red-. We have the audience.

Speaker 2:

Red-crumming falls in the category of manipulation in the sense where maybe you're giving just enough time or attention to somebody to keep them hooked on you, so like you're giving them just enough so they don't go find somebody else, but you're not actually wanting to show up for their needs.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no. So what are? So if you've got somebody that's in a toxic, this interrelationship relationship to toxic behaviors? Obviously you said they're both like we're human beings. Yeah, I mean, we make mistakes and I think the quickest way or one of the healthiest ways in a relationship is just to admit it. Man, babe, I kicked it. I'm really sorry. How can I make this right between us and what can I do? How can I help you get better? How can you help me get better again? How can we become the best version of ourselves? Walk us through what you do when you're counseling or you're doing therapy with a couple and there is some super toxic behavior in there. How does one person in a relationship and or communicate with the one that is displaying some toxic behavior?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and a distinction between toxic behaviors and toxic relationship is important here, because those toxic behaviors that we all demonstrate, we all manipulate, we all say things, we regret, we all do those things. But a toxic relationship is really characterized by you're in this infatuation stage. Something triggers partner A which makes them react in the way they react triggers partner B. Now partner A and B are being completely immature children towards each other. That often escalates, becomes really damaging, really hurtful for both people, which is important to note. It's not one victim here. Both people are hurt.

Speaker 2:

What often happens from there is either if they're living the same home, they might go days without talking, or if they don't live in the same home, they might completely break up. One person ends up putting out like feelers. The other person grabs onto those feelers and they start talking again, but nothing is resolved. So, as you said, of the like hey, babe, can we talk through this, or I'm so sorry that doesn't happen because there's like a huge fear that that's just gonna create the conflict again. So nothing is talked about, brush under the rug and then back to the infatuation stage.

Speaker 2:

So that is the definition of a toxic relationship. So when I'm seeing that, when a couple comes to sit down and I'm seeing these things happen. I always start couples work with relationship programming, and so what that means is I'm gonna go through timeline of partner A and timeline of partner B and we're gonna be in the same room while we do that and we identify trauma themes that have happened since day one, so that when we are then dissecting a recent conflict, they both are aware of what's going on for their inner child, their partner's inner child, and so we can come from a place of grace and patience and love and nurturance versus. You are just intentionally trying to hurt me. It's a complete game changer.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, what are some questions to ask. How do you frame the conversation when you are, when, let's say, one of your partners is elevated? We talked a little bit about my friend GSM Bloods book the Masking on a Relationship, about how to mask and hold space for the feminine, and just literally, even as she's like, ah, you know, just hold space and just hear and listen. But what are some? What are some? Cause you said this. You said something just a minute ago that we get afraid to mention. Hey, how are you doing? How are you feeling? We're almost afraid to touch base because we think it's just gonna kick in the love and respect. But you got to the crazy cycle, Like it's gonna kick the crazy cycle all over again. What are some ways to communicate that literally can disarm a situation?

Speaker 2:

So the most effective tool that I really encourage all of my clients to use, that I use, is V, v, validate, rve I'm so sorry that was very hard to get out. So reflect, validate and explore. So RVE, so reflect, as you're going to reflect back what you just heard your partner say. V is you're gonna validate their experience and then E you're going to explore. And explore does not mean you're going to interrogate. You're gonna tell them why they're wrong. You're gonna tell them, like to suck it up. That's not the E at all, it is we're going to ask questions like Can you tell me more about that? How can I show up for you? What do you need from me?

Speaker 2:

Right now, when I share this tool with a lot of people, they might feel overwhelmed because it's three different steps. It's like okay, that's a lot of words. It doesn't have to be a lot of words. If they come home and they say my boss was really mean to me today, I'm in a bad mood, I'm irritable, I'm just really upset, we can easily say jeez, it sounds like you had a really hard day with your boss just being on you today. You must be really feeling overwhelmed, sad, maybe even scared about that. How can I show up for you tonight so that I can help you calm down that's RV. In a nutshell, that's all it is. That is the most effective way to disarm, because if they're coming home saying I'm irritable, that means usually they're ready to go. Whatever you want to fight about, let's fight, because I'm in a bad mood. Okay, but we can't address that differently.

Speaker 1:

I love that Reflect, validate and explore. One of the things that I've learned, obviously through my therapy in the last year, is questions like hey, when you said this is what I heard you say, did you mean really just asking some questions and kind of? And I've found sometimes when I say, hey, what I heard you say is and I'll say it, oh, no, no, no, that's not what I meant. What I meant was sometimes you'll get that as well. What do you think are some of the top tools for keeping situations from getting elevated and escalated?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So first and foremost is I statements, which is the most well-known, so we're going to express any grievance with how we're feeling, not what the other person did. And then emotional regulation skills are the most underrated, overlooked skill in a relationship, Like, if you don't know how to manage your own triggers and regulate your own emotions, you are already behind the eight ball before that conversation even starts, because likely what's gonna happen is you are going to feel ruffled by something that is said in a hard conversation, and if you aren't aware of why you're feeling ruffled and how to calm that down, that's when it starts to escalate. And so I really encourage people.

Speaker 2:

The three W's is one of the tools that I encourage people to use. So that's what's going on, so you're aware of the physiological response in your body. A lot of people don't realize that we all have a physiological response before anything else, and so if you can know, like, is that tightness in your chest? Is that your stomach hurts? The second W is where's it coming from? So you center and reflect. Yeah, I really don't like the tone my partner just used with me. That did not feel great. And the third W is what do I need? Okay, so that might mean I need to go take a quick timeout, I need to take some deep breaths, I need to maybe tell my partner hey, my feelings are really hurt by the way you address that, but that tool for emotional regulation the three W's is really powerful.

Speaker 1:

I love that. So we're talking about relationships, we're talking about single, we're talking about when you're in a relationship, relationships where it's not necessarily toxic but you're not giving your needs met. But people are teachable. Toxic relationships or toxic behavior, which all of those things, when we get those things right, can lead to healthy intimacy. One of my favorite posts you had on there was things that you can intellectual foreplay, like things you can do before being physically intimate that are that lead to and I mean as a dude, I think for most guys you're like oh really, I have no idea. Walk two things I wanna talk through that. You said something early on X took a note down which was really cool which you said the first thing I'm looking at a guy isn't how he looks or what kind of shape he's in. That's on that that I wanna jump over this, because I think that's huge and I think a lot of guys may miss that. They may look at a certain individual and go, oh, she's too building the blank for me. Sure, talk about that a little bit.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, which completely correlates with that intellectual foreplay, because that is my foreplay, that is how somebody is going to get my attention any day of the week.

Speaker 2:

So a big part of that and I think it applies for a lot of people, but a lot of women is we want to feel safe, we want our emotional needs met, we want our intellectual needs met.

Speaker 2:

We want emotional intimacy before anything else is even desire. So even when we're talking about sexual arousal or desire, anything like that, when I'm sitting down with a couple, often and this is stereotyping, so don't come at me for it, but this is just the way it is but the female often comes in in heteronormative relationships, the female is going to come in and going to say my emotional needs are not being met and the male is going to say my sexual needs aren't being met and they're at this impasse of neither one of them are willing to come towards each other's needs, they're just worried about their own, and so a big part of that is like for her, she can probably get there, but how are her emotional needs or intellectual, or how are you guys spending time together outside of that sexual? So that's a big part of that when I'm talking about like, yeah, someone's physical appearance like that doesn't do it for me. That's not it at all. I'm going to be the most connected or attracted to somebody based on the depth of our conversations.

Speaker 2:

Can they teach me something? Challenge me? All of those things.

Speaker 1:

I love that. So let's hit your intellectual foreplay. I love these things. You've got going on dates, museums, art shows, concerts, the theater, Stam's Club and Costco doesn't count on that. You have to activate it. I'm just joking. I'm just joking, Talk about some of the things that you had on your list and how that and how really that's just an emotional connector, Sure, and how men could, because we're visual, we're visual creatures. How that emotional thing and maybe even why is it hard for some men to open up on the emotional side like that?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so that particular post comes from. I talk a lot about the five types of intimacy as a post I did last year that really connected for a lot of people, and I talk about intellectual, emotional, experiential, spiritual and then physical intimacy and how that is the holistic sense of intimacy that we all need. That intimacy is not just the one thing that we often characterize it as, and so the reason I've done those posts then to follow up has been like OK, so how can you create this connection? How can you be more intentional with connecting on an emotional or an intellectual level? So those things that I posted on the intellectual list having those deep conversations and really understanding each other's inner worlds and challenging each other, teaching each other things that fosters a sense of safety and connection, almost like a bond, a partnership.

Speaker 2:

Because, yes, like you and I, in the work that we do, we are having deep conversations with a lot of people. Most people are not. So when you're really having those deep like under, like, get under the surface conversations, that's an investment. And so when a female does feel that, you know, in this particular situation, a male is investing in her in that way, she's like huh, ok, he's after more than just my body. That has my interest now.

Speaker 1:

I love that, so I love that. The other, the other thing that I wanted to jump into and this is probably one of my favorite things you talked about was you gave a list of it. Does it make you needy if you and then you have a list of things? It's funny because I walk you through therapy, like I have over the past year, year and a half, Like relationships seem to be about four to six weeks, because that's about what it takes to go.

Speaker 1:

Ok, this is like one of them was your first one on the list is you want to receive good morning or good night text? It's like, hey, we don't have to talk for 10 minutes, I just want to connect with you before you go to bed. Or I just want to connect with you in the morning before I get going, and when that's a no go, it's like OK, I have to move on. I think what people think, Elizabeth, is what if I do this, I'm being mean? Or if I ask for this, then I'm just asking for too much? I think a lot of that comes from how we're raised, because we don't see it done in a healthy manner. Speak to some of those things that you've got on the list and some of the things that really we're created to desire and need from our partner, and it doesn't make it mean if we do.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, we are created that way and unfortunately we're then programmed to think that that's too much. And so a lot of us who carry the beliefs that I am needy it is because in these early interactions with our caregivers and then are often perpetuated and really reinforced throughout childhood is this idea that we were in inconvenience, that we were a burden, that if we had a need for me and my upbringing, emotional needs were not a thing, nobody had. First of all, nobody knew how to deal with that. They're programming. They were not equipped to deal with it. Second of all, they didn't have the patients are the emotional maturity to deal with it.

Speaker 2:

So some of my earliest memories are I grew up in a very tiny home and you can hear a pin drop across the house, like you can hear it, and I would be crying in my room and it would never be acknowledged. So it didn't take very long for me to realize you're wasting your time, my friend, by crying. So suck it up. And that's exactly what I did. And so then going into adulthood, the idea was like, if I have these needs, if I wanna be attended to, if I want to be nurtured, that's just needy, that's weak. And so it does come from our programming and the bigger part of relationship programming that the part that needs to be understood is that the way that we're programmed is what we become to believe is the norm and just the way that things are First of all yeah, yep.

Speaker 2:

So then, when we're seeking out our adult relationships, we are seeking people who are familiar to that and who remind us of our norm. That's all we know. So now these really deep-seated negative core beliefs about ourselves, about others, about relationships as a whole, are reinforced over and over and over and we keep thinking well, see, I mean, they proved it. They proved it and the reality is like they is anywhere between three to 10 people out of seven billion. So they didn't prove anything. It's who you keep choosing. So how do?

Speaker 1:

you sift through? I mean, if you're in your 30s or 40s or 50s and you're different because you're doing things that most people aren't doing, how in the world do you sift through? Because I'm all with my rules of the word. Like, when do you have that conversation? Like, how far into it do you have a conversation? Like how you said earlier about I can gauge it by text, I'm gauge it by self-awareness, like all of those things, but how far into the conversation do you go? Oh hey, by the way, I've got a list in right here. It's my list. I mean, you don't do that, but you know what I'm saying. Like, how do you share it?

Speaker 2:

I wouldn't say you don't do that. I wouldn't say at all, you don't do that. I think some of those needs you're gonna notice pretty quick. So, like you know, for me I need to have a financial partner. So I need somebody who has the same work ethic and drive as I do. I'm gonna know that pretty quick. Somebody who's emotionally intelligent I'm gonna know that pretty quick. So my needs I'm gonna be able to tell the ones. Maybe these are our preferences, so these are that would be nice to have. Those might take a little bit longer to tell, but a big way to know is like how somebody shows up consistently. So are there words in their actions? Aligning? That's one of the best ways that you're gonna be able to tell the difference. And how do they respond when you set a boundary and when you have your first hard conversation, what is their response to both of those things I'm gonna tell you right now. That's gonna give you a whole lot of clarity around if that's the person you wanna move forward with.

Speaker 1:

How do you have a hard conversation? Give us the language Like if you've got something that happened or something that made you feel a certain way. Talk to us about how you have that conversation, Cause I think that's some of the things that people miss.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So a few things already need to be set. Before you even go into hard conversation, which is the first thing that people miss you need to ensure that you both are in a calm headspace, you're in the right environment. That means often not with people interrupting a lot, not after somebody's hard day at work, those type of things. So we're both in a calm headspace, we're in a protected environment, and then we start the hard conversation by using that I statement.

Speaker 2:

So we're gonna come at that with how we are feeling about what is going on. We're not going to tell them what they did or dictate to them how they feel. So that might be. Let's say, somebody's working a lot of hours, you're not feeling like a priority. This may or may not be a part of my life that comes up a lot. So that would look like hey, I'm really missing you lately. I'm feeling really disconnected. I want more time together. I'm not feeling like a priority right now. I'm wondering if we can explore a way to fix that. Is there a way we can collaborate on a solution, because I'm really desiring connection with you. So in that statement I didn't say you work too much, you don't care about me, you only care about work.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I maybe have said that before in hard conversations, but that is not how we're going to approach it, and so really laying the foundation for it and then coming at it from a place of like this is my heart. So it's not about criticism, it's about like this is how I feel. I also encourage people to kind of give a heads up if they want to have a hard conversation. It's really unfair to catch your partner off guard. Maybe it's a Friday night eight o'clock. You guys just sat down, I'm a glass of wine in front of a movie and you're like, by the way, I wanted to tell you like that's really unfair and it happens a lot, right?

Speaker 1:

yeah, the one thing I love to do is hey, can we get 15 minutes today or tomorrow, or 30 minutes, I think? I said I want to talk about and I just want it to be you and I and it needs to be uninterrupted space.

Speaker 2:

So sometimes there, and sometimes, on that note, if I can just expand real quick, sometimes it can be helpful even to kind of give like the umbrella of what you want to talk about, Cause I know for me if somebody says, hey, I want to talk to you about something, like my gut immediately like drops, and so sometimes just saying like putting a little bit of a awareness around what the conversation is can just help them to prepare for that.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I mean, it really is a huge. It's like and if you're in a healthy partnership, you don't want your partner to worry, exactly, you don't want your partner, you don't want their gut in the drop. It's funny cause you're talking about all the things that we go through in my somatic therapy, the Lauren, like you don't want those things to happen, you want them to go. Hey, and I love you, I'm committed to you. And this was the question I was going to ask.

Speaker 1:

What does healthy language look like in a relationship? So that when you have because you said the first hard conversation, you know you're gonna know where someone's at? What does healthy conversation look like in communication? Like leading up to where? It's like, hey, once we've committed to one another and we're seeing what God does, I wanna be committed to you, you wanna be committed to me. What does that healthy communication look like? So they're comfortable, so your partner's comfortable, having they know you're not gonna go. Oh well, I'm not good enough or I'm not this or I'm not that. They're gonna leave me, like my parent did, or they're gonna leave me in the room crying like I did when I was in the little bitty house and nobody's gonna come and save me.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, when we are really committed to the safety of our partner's hearts, that comes through with the way that we interact with them, and when that is the foundation of the relationship, you can have these hard conversations and know that I'm bringing this up because I care about you. I'm bringing this up not because I want to abandon you, but because I wanna fix it, because I wanna be with you. Like the reasons for it look so different when the commitment is to safety and a big part of when I said I know pretty quick, with a hard conversation, somebody who can't take accountability, who can't take ownership, who is justifying, who's making excuses, who's deflecting, those are some things to be aware of. And it's not that those things can't change, but those of us that are in our 30s and 40s like we're not out here, trying like nobody has time to fix or change somebody.

Speaker 1:

That's not for that right. Nobody has time for that.

Speaker 2:

The odds of somebody actually changing not very high. So if you express to somebody that you're how you're feeling and you're using appropriate, healthy language and they come back to you and say, well, you do that too, or no, that's not what happened, or any of those type of things, it's a pretty good indicator that they're not in this for a reciprocal exchange.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that they're in it for what they can get for themselves. Relationships are hard and you know, on my health journey over the past three years I've dropped 80 pounds In my journey. I love to work out but it's work like the journey's been hard, not just on my physical but just even in my emotional, my mental health all the work that I've done over the last year and a half. What are some things and some steps that you would encourage couples to take Because the journey is still hard? I mean, relationships aren't easy. You can take two of the most compatible people who love each other like crazy, but it's still hard. What are some things you would encourage them to do To work on their relationship? Just like more to the gym and eating healthy would be if you want to be physically fit.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So the first thing, whether you are in a relationship or single and you're wanting to improve relationships in general, start by, if you're not working with a therapist, do your own timeline. Do your timeline, identify your themes, understand your trauma so that you know your triggers, you know why you get reactive to things. So that self-awareness is the most important thing. To lay that foundation. And then learn and practice emotional regulation skills, learn how to stay calm, logical, appropriate, mature during hard conversations. And then learn other. I mean so many books, so many podcasts, so many everything just communication skills, connection rituals. But when we're talking about a couple, specifically a couple of the really big things that I suggest is weekly check-ins. That is, I'm gonna be talking every couple about that.

Speaker 2:

You have protected time on the calendar that you are sitting down with a few questions. You can change them up each time. They can be the same, but it's. Did you feel like your love language got met this week? Did you feel like we were connected? When did you feel most connected? How can I show up better next week? So you're asking these questions to really do a pulse check every single week, Because how many couples do we know Like you're just ships in the night you're just going through the motions. Especially if you're in a long distance relationship and when you're not making it a priority, it's very easy for things to unravel. So the check-ins and then daily connection rituals, and those can be like you were saying, it's the good morning or good night text, it can be a five minute check-in. I love the what was the high and what was the low of your day for a connection ritual. But basically my point being find ways to connect because we are a culture of busy.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we're always. We're going 100 miles an hour. Listen, number one. Thank you so much for spending time. I know you're ridiculously busy Best place for people to get in contact with you.

Speaker 2:

So my Instagram at Dr Elizabeth Fedrick and my website, drlisabethfedrickcom both of those would be my coaching. Information is on my website and that would be the best way to get a hold of me.

Speaker 1:

And you've got a new book coming out. I do.

Speaker 2:

Yes, beginning of November. So it's called Relationship Reprogramming and it is explaining you know what I've been talking about with the timeline. It teaches people how to do the activity for themselves and it intertwines my upbringing and my trauma and helps people to see reprogramming through that lens. So I am the example of it. But, yeah, it really teaches you how to apply that information.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's fun watching you do what you do because you are so passionate about it, and when we are super passionate about something, it's normally because we live it out. Yeah. And one of my affirmations is yeah, one of my affirmations is I'm whole. I choose to use pass-pain to help others find the heat.

Speaker 1:

So literally every day when I look in the mirror and I do my affirmations, it's like, listen, you went through these things that you went through so that you can help people go through it quicker, go through it with less damage, go through it and understand. And here's how I get to come out on the other side and be a better version of myself.

Speaker 2:

And to not feel so alone in it, so that it is normalized for them that they are not alone in this chaos that we're living. So thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. This has been great.

Speaker 1:

You're more the welcome Guys. Thank you for joining us on another episode of as A Leader Goes Podcast. As always, if this has added value, do me a favor. Click that subscribe button, snap a screenshot, share it. Dr Elizabeth and I would both love to share that on our Instagram and give you a shout out as well. Until next week, we'll see you next time.