As The Leader Grows with Ken Joslin

Coaching with Ken | Dating 911 "I Choose You"

• Ken Joslin

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Ever been swept off your feet by sweet nothings, only to find the promises as empty as a deserted alley? Let's explore the robust language of action in relationships, where commitment is painted not with words but with the strokes of understanding and adaptability. As Ken Joslin, your host, I'm peeling back the layers of "I choose you," showing you that it's a mosaic of actions and growth. It's about shaping your communication to resonate with your partner's heart and learning their love languages. Whether you're navigating the single scene or in the throes of a long-term romance, this heart-to-heart is your toolbox for building a connection that's as deep as it is genuine.

This episode isn't just a chat; it's a journey through the landscape of love where support and reliability become the landmarks of a secure relationship. I'll share my own tales where entrepreneurial fire meets the nurturing needs of partnership, proving that even the busiest of bees can make honey for the heart. Listen in as we dissect how creating a safe space lets your love flourish, and why being a servant leader in love is about selflessness in its truest form. Subscribe and share with those dear to you, because everyone deserves to unlock the secrets to a love that's heard loud and clear, in actions that speak volumes.

Welcome to the ATLG podcast I am your host Ken Joslin, former pastor turned coach & host of CREATE, the #1 Faith-based Entrepreneur conference in America. My mission is to help faith-based entrepreneurs become the best version of themselves by growing in our Core 5: Faith, Health, Relationships, Business & Finances. You can get more information as well as join our FREE Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/676347099851525

If you enjoyed the podcast, come join our FREE GSD Community of hundreds of entrepreneurs & a ton of FREE Content including CREATE Conference recordings with Ken, John Maxwell, Gary Brecka, Ed Mylett & more. growstackdrive.com/free

Speaker 1:

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of as the Leader Grows. I am your host, ken Johnson. I am super excited about today's episode. We are going to jump back into our Dating 911 series that I did about six months ago and it's funny. I was on the phone with somebody earlier today and I shared with them like the top three downloaded podcast episodes I've ever had have always been or they were out of my coaching with Ken series that I drop every Monday morning and they were my dating 9-1-1 episode one, two and three like the top ones, and this is going to be episode number four. So if you're sitting there listening saying Ken, I'm married, listen, don't go anywhere. This is for you as well. But if you are single, we have a ton of entrepreneurs who are in their forties and in their fifties who listen to this podcast every single week. As a matter of fact, yesterday we hit 25,000 downloads on our podcast. You're wondering, you're single. What does this look like? Obviously, the numbers that we had thousands of podcasts, thousands of episodes downloaded in those in that dating 911 series.

Speaker 1:

It had three parts to it, but I want to. I want to talk about this and this is the thought that I wrote down in the last month for me in and I'm man, I'm pretty transparent when I share my experiences in relationships with you guys. But this is the truth I want you guys to walk away with today that actions are greater than words. Actions are greater than words. Just because someone says I love you or just because someone says and these are the words I'm going to use today I choose you, doesn't mean they really do. Man, when you're in a relationship, is there anything greater to hear from a woman or from a man, from your partner, than I love you and I choose you? But I want to break down again Actions are greater than words. Listen, behavior is really what matters. They can even have the heart or the intent and not have the capacity to be able to do what they say they're going to do.

Speaker 1:

And so when someone says I choose you, I want to share with you three things over the next few minutes on what that should look like. Like. What should it mean If I'm in a relationship with somebody and somebody says I choose you? Here's what it should mean. Number one I choose to learn. I choose to learn, which means I don't have the understanding and I don't know how to do this thing yet. But because I choose you, I choose to learn how to communicate with you in a way that it speaks to your heart and that you can understand me. So when someone says that I choose you, they are saying or their actions or behavior that would back up. The proof that they really do choose you is that they have an attitude where they're like, hey, I love you, I choose you. Attitude where they're like, hey, I love you, I choose you.

Speaker 1:

I am going to learn how to communicate with you in a way that connects with you and speaks to your heart, like what are the words that you need to hear? What are the things that I can say that help you understand or help you feel chosen? What are the words, what are the things that I can say to you that help you feel loved? What does that look like? How can I learn to communicate with you in such a way that, when we communicate, I speak to your heart? So if you communicate a certain way, which you know, if you're again, if you're in your thirties, forties, fifties, you're single, you're married, you have a way that you communicate with your partner or your significant other, whether they be your wife, whether that be your husband, whether it be somebody you've been dating for a couple months or somebody you've been dating for a long time or somebody you're living with. You have a specific way, because of how you're wired as a human being, to communicate with people. But let me say this to you In a relationship that's not good enough Like it is not good enough You're going to have to learn to communicate in such a way with the person that you care about that you say to I choose you with the person that you care about, that you say to I choose you. That you say to I love you. That you connect with them at a heart level. It's not good enough to say and let me preface it with this In a relationship, it is okay for you to say, hey, babe, when you say this to me, for you to say, hey, babe, when you say this to me.

Speaker 1:

This is how this makes me feel. Now, if you said it this way to me, then I can receive that a lot easier. And some people would be like and I was in a relationship in the past year and a half and the person would say, well, that's manipulating. You're trying to manipulate me into what you want me to say to you? Not at all. What I'm telling you is that when you speak to me in a certain tone of voice or you speak to me in a certain way, it connects with me. I want to hear you. I want to hear you. I want to connect with you at a heart level and at an emotional level. But when you speak to me a certain way, whether it be raise your voice, get upset, being demonstrative, using words like always and never it's very hard for me to connect with you. Then it doesn't deepen and strengthen our relationship.

Speaker 1:

When you're in a relationship and you share something like that with your significant other, their response to you should be you know what, babe? I would love to work on that so I can communicate with you in a better way. You know what, babe? I do choose you and because I say I choose you, the action or the behavior that I'm going to follow up with that statement is going to be that I choose to learn how to communicate with you in a way that connects with you and in a way that really speaks to your heart. The second thing is this when someone says I choose you, the behavior that should back up those words, or the actions that should back up those words are listen, I choose to learn you, to learn your love languages, to learn what you like about or how I treat you, because I want to show you that I love you and I want to show you that I choose you.

Speaker 1:

So, five love languages acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts and quality time. Those are the five. And quality time, those are the five. So quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch, and then whatever the other one is I just mentioned, those are the five. So let's say, let's say my, let's just take it for me, for example. For example, my two were my two love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. That's me Like when that happens in a relationship, I feel chosen, I feel cared for. But now let's say your two love languages are, let's say they're, completely different. Let's say they're acts of service and quality time.

Speaker 1:

Well, how we receive love is usually how we like to give love. So if you're a gifts of service person, that's what speaks to your heart, that is your love. Or gifts of yeah, gifts or quality time, those are the things that speak to you, guess how you like to reciprocate or give to your partner. You like to give in those two ways. Why? Because when you receive those it makes you feel amazing. But as a partner, my role or my responsibility, when I say I choose you, when I say I love you, my role isn't to give you love the way I like to receive love. My role and responsibility in that relationship, the behavior or the action behind the words I choose you or I love you, are babe, tell me what your love languages are. Let me discover and learn what your love languages are, because I want to be that for you. How can you tell somebody you love them or you choose them and not have the understanding or the capacity to be able to learn exactly what that looks like for them? In past relationships it may be.

Speaker 1:

I know you love coffee in the morning, so I'm going to go in. When I get up, I'm going to take the dog out and I'm going to go grab you a cup of coffee. I'm going to put it on a saucer. I'm going to put a plate over it. I'm going to make it exactly how you want it. I'm going to mix my pre-workout before we go to the gym. I'm going to walk in, I'm going to hand you your cup of coffee, because if you're a, there's not a thing of do I have to do that for you. No, if I choose you and I love you, I want to do those things for you. And it's not manipulative, it's not anything, it's how can I serve you.

Speaker 1:

So when somebody says to you I choose you, and they speak those words, the behavior or the action behind it is I choose you, so I'm. Those words, the behavior or the action behind it is I choose you. So I'm going to learn how to communicate with you in a way that connects, in a way that speaks to your heart. And not only that, but I'm going to learn your love languages. I want to learn what you need to feel, love to feel. And this is the third one I choose to hold space for you so that you feel safe and you have a place to process your emotions, your feelings, your day, the good times, the bad times, all the things that come in a relationship. And so, yeah, for me, for some of you guys that may be single and you may be kind of out there, listen, number one is mean in them streets Like the dating life at 55, it's just. It can get ugly For me early in the dating relationship.

Speaker 1:

If I'm dating someone man, I'm asking questions that make people uncomfortable. Why? Because the dating relationship for you isn't necessarily a time for you to have all these picture moments where you're, you know, you're framing pictures and you're putting them up and going oh, we had such a great time, listen, fun, great times. All those things are important and they should be something that you're having. If you're not, obviously the chemistry is not there. You shouldn't be with that person anyway, but you should be asking questions. Because I saw one of my good friends I think it was Elizabeth, or maybe Julie Manano, somebody or maybe Eunice in New York City. One of them posted one of my therapist friends posted this and they said I'm going to paraphrase this, I'm probably going to butcher it pretty bad, but it was something to the effect of dating someone is like asking the question why are you single? And then dating them long enough to figure it out. Because, listen, if they're single, they're single for a reason.

Speaker 1:

I remember I dated a girl. This has been a long time ago. I dated a girl for a few weeks and she had not been in a relationship for 10 years. It was actually one relationship in 10 years. I dated another girl who was 40-ish. She had never been married, like automatically. You're like, okay, but it seemed amazing, it was awesome. You're asking the questions that you need to ask to get the information back to go. Hey, are we compatible? Are we in alignment? Are the things that I desire in my life? Are they in alignment with the things you desire in your life? Because, again, it doesn't matter how amazing the chemistry is if there's not alignment in who you are. And we'll just take our core five areas faith, health, relationships, business and finances. If our faith isn't in alignment, it's not going to work. If our health isn't in alignment, it's going to be very difficult. It can still work, but it's going to be very difficult.

Speaker 1:

I had one person I dated a couple of times, had a really good time, and I'm like hey, I'd love to go to the gym with you. I probably had this is hilarious three or four first dates at the gym and you're like you did what? Like listen, I've had literally had three or four first dates in Planet Fitness all across the country, or F45 or Orange Theory, and you're like you did what? Yeah, because guess what I'm going to find out about you as a woman? I'm going to find out really quick who you are. When you're in a gym class or we're lifting, or you're at Orange Theory busting on the treadmill or on the rower or over on the weight floor, like I'm going to find out who you are there way more than I am. If I say, hey, I'll pick you up Friday at 7 pm and I pick you up and I open the door and I'm like holy cow, she's absolutely stunning. We go out and have dinner and a glass of wine and we're just. It's just all amazing and just awesomeness and there's awesome sauce dripping everywhere. The reality of it is is, when I get you in a pair of tennis shoes and workout clothes, I'm really going to find out who you are. I'm going to find out what you're made of and in the dating relationship, that's what you want.

Speaker 1:

So when someone says I choose you, when their words say I choose you or I love you, the behavior or the actions that come behind that should be three of these things. There's a lot of these, but I'm going to give you three. Again, I choose you, so I'm going to learn how to communicate with you in such a way that connects with your heart, like I want to connect with you on a heart level. Listen, if you can't connect with somebody on a heart level, you don't need to be in a relationship with them. If you can't connect with someone on a heart level, if you can't learn to communicate with somebody in such a way that it connects with their heart and connects with their soul and their spirit, it's not someone you need to be in a long-term relationship with.

Speaker 1:

Second thing I want to learn your love languages. I choose to learn about you and who you are as a human being because I want to love you and allow you to receive love from me, because I choose you in a way that means something that's special to you. Not the way I want to give it. Again, my two love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. Not the way I want to give it. Again, my two love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. Well, if I'm dating a girl and those aren't her two love languages and I tried it's like saying, when I go out to dinner and I order a steak, a baked potato, I want green beans with it, I don't want peas, I don't want asparagus. You may love asparagus, I don't want asparagus. Makes my pee smell. Funny. Anyway, I threw that bad veggie tail joke in there. But I don't want what you like, I want what I like. So in that relationship I've got to give you what you like and speak to you and show you in ways that resonate with how God wired you, because he wired you different.

Speaker 1:

Again, it's part of that selflessness that comes in relationships. Can I be a servant leader to the one I'm dating? Can I put their needs before my own? Can I do things for them without being asked and can I do things right the first time? I know some of those may not cross over into relationship, but I promise you they do end a relationship, but I promise you they do. And can I choose to hold space for you and be a safe place for you? I tell you as a man, there's nothing better than dating someone and them looking you in the eye and go. I feel really safe with you, I feel super safe with you. That's it, hughes Guys, listen, if you're a man in here, especially you're an entrepreneur, and you're drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, you're go, go, go, go go, you're used to going oh, there's a bullseye, there's a target, I'm going after that. Well, I've said this a few times in the last probably a couple of years what makes me really good at business also makes me not very good in relationships.

Speaker 1:

Because it is yesterday morning. I was up at four something. I worked till seven 15. I was on the phone with a friend of mine. They were like dude, have you had dinner yet? I'm like bro. I haven't even taken a shower from the gym this morning at six o'clock, like I haven't. I literally came in here working in my podcast studio. I have not moved. I had to go to Home Depot to pick some up. I grabbed 12 chicken nuggets from Chick-fil-A on the way back. That's literally all I've had all day long. 7.15, take a shower, go get dinner.

Speaker 1:

When you are a high-performing entrepreneur and all you know is bullseye. Here's what I want to go after. Here's the vision. Let's get to it as quick as I can Listen. That doesn't work in relationships Like you have to pump the brakes and slow down just a little bit, and when you do that, men and you hold space for the woman, whether she be your spouse, whether she be your partner, whether it be somebody you're just dating.

Speaker 1:

When you hold space for your woman and she looks you in the eye, says man, I feel really safe with you. Man, you're knocking it out of the park, like that's what you want to hear and remember. Actions are greater than words. Listen, this has been an amazing time talking relationships, dating, 911, part four. Who knows, we may have a five, a six and a seven, but listen, guys, thank you so much for joining us on another episode of as a Leader Grows. I'm going to ask you really quick hit that subscribe button and share this. Listen, if you've got a friend that you know is single, you have no idea the comments, the DMs, the text messages I get from friends going dude, I listened to your podcast and this is what I got out of it, thank you. But anyway, guys, thank you for joining us again on as the Leader Grows. We will see.